Old thought, different situation

"So there I was, tied up to her bed. Motor oil smeared all over me. She came in with a saddle and a set of jumper cables..." Yeah we all know this line from Jeff Foxworthy. But what if it were a gamer. I had to think long and hard on this cause what would a gamer think of if he HAD a chance to "get some." There is a picture that I hope I can post here that basically says, "Gamers. Other people right now are having sex." So here is my line. "So there I was tied up to a chair. Dragon spittle dripping off my armour. She came in the cave in a chain mail bikini with a mace and dagger. I was in heaven." Yeah I know a little too graphic, but what can I say? I'm a gamer, that some days when the moon is full, or blue, or in eclipse, I get a little time with the wife. Since my wife has gotten pregnant, this pregnancy has been different. For both our boys, she couldn't keep her hands off me. So we are both thinking and hoping that this one is a girl. But you never know. We will see in about 6 weeks. Well to all, a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. I am hoping to blog one last time before this year is up.

The night cometh

I have a frend that I met while Yahoo was able to let us create "User chat rooms." She is not of our faith, but she would visit the room that was created for LDS and non-lds to meet and maybe learn something or just hang out and talk. She has a blog elsewhere and I was looking at it today. I even went back a few years to see what she had written. And I came across a blog on what the name her blog represents. She goes by "The Night Cometh." Someone had shared with her where that came from. It is found in John Chapter 9 verse 4. So I looked it up and read the entire chapter. The Savior healed a blind man on the Sabbath and he shares his story of how he was healed and no one believes him. It brought me back to my blindness. Not a physical, but a spiritual, emotional blindness that goes deeper then I allow myself or others to see. So many have tried to show me my blindness, and I just ignore them. Being able to see what you are blind too, and try to open your eyes to seeing the light again is hard. What if I shut it out again? What if this or that? What if I open my eyes and I am not sure if I can live up to what is expected or required of me? I would say I am a person that does not care what others think of me, but I would be called a liar. It just depends on the situation. I have opened myself many times to others that have taken advantage and left me for dead. They don't care, they don't give a damn, and I have to live with that. They say they pray for me, and such, but that tells me nothing. Some may say I am like someone from the Book of Mormon who asked to see signs. So who knows. Though I know that what the Savior has said to those of us who are sitting on the fence, or those who are luke warm.


Revelation 3:16
So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth.

So we shall see what happens.

Wild random thoughts

I went to bed last night with my mind in "on" mode and it wouldn't shut off. If i would have come out here and blogged about it I would catch hell for being on the computer. But I just could not shut it down or off. I had to let it just run through the many thoughts and wear itself down. That was somewhere around 11:30pm(mst). We went to bed around 10pm. There is a lot I can share that I do remember but I am worried what it will mean when I share it. But this is my blog and my thoughts and I am allowed to be weird, be strange, and be me. So hear goes.

As I said I remember some of it and most of the good stuff I wanted to put down is gone, but who knows what might pop up again. I was thinking about what went on this last weekend. We picked up my step son from his scout service project and headed over to my in-laws because my MIL sisters husband had brought some clothes from his son that he could no longer wear here to Utah when he had a stop through with his job and wanted to see if Z could use some of the clothes. No big deal, I figured we'd be there around 2 hours and I guess I can deal with my in-laws home and them for the short time there. Plus put in a plug for what I need/want for Christmas. Now to understand a little bit here, my in-laws and I do not get along with each other. We tolerate each other and can be nice if the situation calls for it. This was one of the rare moments that does happen. Some may call it a love-hate relationship. We love to hate each other. OK got the picture now, OK lets move on. My youngest step kid D had a bad night Friday. He had a dream where he was watching my oldest son(who is turning 3 in Dec) and had let him out to play or something like that. He had turned his back or went inside for something and he said that B ran into the road and was killed. Yeah that disturbed me a LOT. When he stays with us on the weekends while his grandparents go to work that night on Sunday he and Z usually get up and take care of my boys so that Chris and I can get a little extra sleep. Or until we have to race to get ready for church. So to hear that, yeah it freaked me out a bit.

Now with that in mind, I knew that that would not happen. But its the what ifs that get ya. And I was OK until Chris got the call that she was needed to deliver papers that night. And she would be taking her oldest with her(Z). So that would mean no sleep for me now that D would be the one getting the younger ones up and stuff like that. So that night I didn't sleep all that well. Sunday morning came and I was really wondering where Chris was. Usually she gets home around 6am on a good night. 9am passed and not a single word. 9:30 rolled around and I look out the window to see a tow truck bringing in my van. It overheated at about 3:20 and the others on the team had to finish the route and they were able to get the van home, give Z and Chris a ride home and now we have the daunting task of trying to get it fixed. So now that is on my mind too.

But I remembered a little more of what I wanted to share last night. This year has really dumped a lot of pain on me and my family. First finding out my mom was going to die. And scrambling to get to Oregon before she passed. To later on after the funeral, bringing my dad here to Utah, to going into the deepest depression I have ever been in. I thought about death every day. I was angry, hurt, and just about every emotion you could possibly think of. I went to church but I didn't care. I tried to go look for work, but didn't really want too. I took my moms death as a sign that I really was worth nothing. That was like the other killers in prison. I had no hope, no care for anything, no future to look forward too. I was simply living to die. Until one night, Chris was either at work or elsewhere, and JJ was just fit to be tied. He would not stop crying for nothing. I took him in our room laid him on the bed and changed his diaper. I was at my breaking point and didn't know what to do. And he just stopped, looked up at me with those eyes that are so loving and comforting. And I knew right then and there, my mom was watching over me, through him. I couldn't stop the tears. He just smiled at me and I held him for so long after that. My son saved me from what could possibly be the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I still need to be reminded of how much he needs me, my family needs me, but it was his love and my mother who broke the spell. It brought me out of the dark pit I placed myself in. I still had a way to go, but JJ

Wow, that was a lot to say. Because of that experience, when I got the call from my aunt in June that my uncle was dying, I could cry. I could mourn for him and his family. And I could also mourn more for my loss with my mom. I could feel again. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing. But in my case it is good to feel something instead of feeling alone, lost and no where to go. In October, we haven't yet we have been trying to have another baby. We had just decided that if it was in Gods plan that we be given the blessing of another child in our life that it will be up to Him to choose. Now Chris is pretty good when it comes time to mark the calendar of when she starts and all that, so we knew the time was coming up. The time passed and nothing. Not even a hint. So we waited for a few more days. Bought a few home tests, just to be sure that we weren't getting our hopes up too much, but just in case. So she takes it. Very clear what the answer was. Not to be too hasty, we went down to the Dr's office to have it confirmed. Sure enough, when they brought out the paper and a box of pre-natals, we knew it had to be true. We got out into the van, and I began to break down. Chris was concerned and asked what the matter was. I simply said, "After the hell we have been through this year, this is the only good news we have had. I am very happy." I am going to be a daddy again. Growing up being an only child, I wanted nothing more then to have children that would never know what being lonely is like. Though I do have the regret of my first born. Having to place her for adoption was one of the hardest things I thought I would ever had to do. And then there are those friends I have out there that have had to do the same thing. Yes it was hard, yes there is a lot of pain, and not a day goes by where I don't think about them, or wish I had done something different. But i know they are OK. They will one day hopefully find me and ask me the what, where, why, when and hows of not being with them their life, and I won't have all the answers, but I pray that we can find them together and be a family again.

Well that is all for tonight. If I ever have another night like that, I am forgetting sleep and going to write it down and get it out. I know many authors who can't sleep until they write down their thoughts and get it out before they can find that peace of mind they so need to sleep. Hope I can find mine tonight.

The world verses God

I don't mean to sound unpatriotic(if there is such a word), or that I do not support our Vets and troops who daily give their lives for our freedom, but I do have an observation to point out that I noticed last night while lying in bed listening to my one year old have a fever and not a good night. My thought is this. There are at least by my calculations 5 different days that are celebrated to honour vets, freedom, and the like. First we start off with Memorial Day. We celebrate the Police, fireman, military and others who gave their lives so that we can be free. Next is 4th of July. I call them vets because well they died for securing our freedom by succeeding from England. Then we have September 11th. I will not disrespect those who died to save those lives that were in the towers, the Pentagon and the Pennsylvania field. They were true hero's. Today is Veterans day and we know that one. Then there is Pearl Harbor Day December 7th. So there you have it 5 different days we celebrate veterans and freedom. So here is my question, why do we celebrate all these days and only two days for the one who made us free. The one who will wipe away our tears, who has his arms open for all to believe on Him and follow Him. Even our Savior, Jesus Christ.

In ancient Israel, the forefathers that we come from celebrated more days for the Savior then we do these days. The Jews and most main stream Christian churches still celebrate Lent, Passover, and others I can even pronounce or spell. This world has turned itself so upside down that we can't even pray in school without offending someone not of our faith and there is a big controversy over it. What ever happened to saying the Pledge of Allegiance in school? Why did the congress of the US take "Under God" out of it when the US was founded by vets who wanted religious freedom from those trying to hide it? I fear this country is not longer protected by God anymore. We are so caught up in our material things, our credit scores, what the kids are getting for Christmas, what vacation can we go on, or the size of our new boat compared to our neighbors is. Has this country gone so far to forget who really is the leader of the free world is? Yes we can pray for our leaders in Congress, the President, and all that. We can vote to try and get the best person in office, but to what avail? I like what President Packer had to say for conference. It was as if man could vote on Gods law and not care what the consequence is to rest of the world.

I do thank my Vets and friends who served. They did what they had to do. They choose to do their duty and serve. Maybe we need to think more on who is the one that continues to keep us free. And blesses us when we do the right thing. I may have to dive into the other religions that celebrate those holidays that focus on the Savior. It may be true that being LDS celebrating Jewish, and other Christian holidays may be harmful to my salvation, but what if? Will it help me more remember the Savior? May so. Will it bring me closer to Him? Maybe. Will doing so help others know there is more to this world then just the material things? Who knows. I am just sick and tired of so many people being so material about things that do not matter and will not matter in the eternities. That's just my thought for today.

A lot of love

I have a lot emotions going on right now. My trainer on my mission Elder Siaosi posted on Facebook that his wife is going in for surgery for a full hystorectomy. She found out recently that she has cancer of the uterus and overies. I feel for him. My ex-wife had the same thing only without the cancer. Come to find out my ex-wife has Krohns disease. So she gets massive pains that flare up every month. Had nothing to do with her uterus and overies. It must feel so terrible to know that cancer can flare up on anyone. I do not know her, but I know him and he has a heart that is so large, he just brings joy to so many people. He even shared when he was being set apart from his Stake President, that he would bring more people to the gospel and the church through his music, then by any other means. He has a voice that is just so amazing. When I was finishing my mission, he was there for the final transfer and I invited him to sing with me a song that he sang when I came to the mission. "Oh Lord, my Redeemer." To this day I still cannot finish it without so many tears. There are only so many songs that touch me. That one, I can't even speak without crying. I guess it is the Lord talking to me, through the thing I understand the most. Music. But anyway back to my friend, I am going to fast and pray for him and his family this Sunday. It is the least I can do for them. Maybe even put their names in the temple. I send to them all my love I can send. Talofa Lava my friend. May God be with you always.

Wish there was an easier answer

Some say I'm a fighter. Some say I just quit. In the immortal words of Bubba Jay(Jeff Dunhams Puppet), AA is for quitters. I guess I just give up way to easily on things that may make a change in my life or in the lives of others. And I give up when I know that pushing my luck is just going to wind me back in a place I don't want to go. I guess your not really following on what I am saying. I guess I was really not taught well enough to be the person I am supposed to be. I lack discipline, I lack courage, I lack a lot of things "normal" people have to make it through life. I live moment to moment. Paycheck to paycheck. I have no real goals in life because I just don't care. I am just taking up space that a billion other souls in the pre-mortal life are just waiting for their chance to come here to earth, have a body and have an earthly experience that will prepare them for the life afterwords. To me, I don't care what happens to me after I die. That's what it all boils down too. Yes I get smidgens of what life could be like, but when I try to go after it, it all goes to hell in a hand basket. I am sick of being the loser. Yeah it would be great if I was the Biggest Loser. From that stand point in the TV series, that would be great. Yeah some of you will tell me, "Your a child of God. And that's all that matters." When you have been hearing that all your life and are sick of hearing it, you just turn a deaf ear. I guess what Nephi in the Book of Mormon describing his brothers; They know not that God which gives them life. And they are past feeling. They had seen miracles, they had seen an angel, yet they still rebelled. And when Lehi told his son about the dream he had about the tree of life, seeing his older sons in the great and spacious building, mocking them and belittling them. I begin to wonder if I am like them. Yes I make fun of some of the things of the church, I talk behind my Bishops back, I say things that are contrary to the teachings of the church. I take and not give. I'll do the work the church asks me to do, but do it with no feeling that I will make a difference in someones life. I wonder if I am really too screwed up to be be saved and if I am even worth saving. I left the church in '99. Maybe I need to leave again and struggle and be in pain and just live until I die. And if there is a God, maybe he might help me find the way back. Because I sure don't know where to go or how to do it. Or if I even care too. I think I am done for tonight.

Update time again

Wow, it's been since July since I last posted? I've been reading others here and enjoying their lives. Also reading Cake wrecks is a lot of fun. A lot of things have happened since then. About the middle of Aug I was emailed a question if I was still looking for a job. I emailed right back and was asked to come in for an interview the next day. Went to it and it went well. Called on Friday that same week and was asked to come in on Monday to start work. I am a kitchen/lunch room help for North Davis Prep Academy. They have two schools. An elementary for the k-4th graders and a Jr High for grades 5-9th. At the Elem on Tuesday and Thursday I set up the tables, wipe them down, keep the kids in line, take out the garbage, and reset the gym so other classes can come in and use it by 1pm. It was hard the first week, since I haven't worked in 6 months, my body is still getting used to working again. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I am basically on call for both, but I do work at the Jr High either in the kitchen or helping "Mr. Paul" with the tables. It has been going really well. Have made some new friends, and enjoy working with the kids. It was the right job for the right time. It is part time, and I am now looking at working for Denny's in Ogden if I can get up there to drop off my application and hope to get hired with them. I'll still work at the school during the day and Denny's at night. So that is good. Also during the first week, Chris had surgery on her hand and elbow for Carpal and Cubital tunnel syndrome. And it was on her right hand which was the worse. She just had her stitches taken out today and on the 23rd of this month she will get her left hand done. So it's gonna be a long year. But she is doing well and working through it. Other then that, that is all for now.

Horny again?

The great thing about being a musician, is that you can listen to what you want, even though others may question your sanity, exaltation and life style, you are left up the conclusion that they are just not up to your snuff, so may it be called of style for music. Sure I have classical, rock and roll, country, heavy metal, and others, but the one thing that I go back to is my horn music. Yes in American terms it is called French Horn. I believe that it is a Godly instrument; a man blows into it, and God only knows what comes out of it. Kidding aside, when in Revelations it talks about the sound of the trump, yes it could be interpreted as a trumpet being sounded. But as history shows the horn has been around a lot longer than most other instruments. Look at the olde English days. When they went out on a fox hunt, what did they have? Bugles, and horns. And the way they blew a certain melody the others on the hunt with the lead would know what was going on. Bugle calls are still being used today in the military, for waking up, raising the flag, meal times, beddy bye time. All came from the horn. And the horn was not all that it is now. It had the same shape as it does now, just no valves. The way you could get different notes other than the overtones that you could get naturally, they stuck a hand in and "Stopped" the sound. It would either raise or lower the pitch so that you could do an entire scale just with your hand. The hand just had to shift positions to "Stop" the sound and raise or lower the pitch. It really began to be popular and many composers used the technique to make some very beautiful music. There is a site that horn players can listen and print out music that professional horn players have memorised and use to audition with. www.hornexcerpts.org. I wish I could be half as good as these pros who have been, done and seen everything. They spend their whole life playing, researching, teaching, and enjoying the horn. I guess I am just so happy to be in with this crowd and get the same joy as they do. I wish I could be at their level, but I know I am not that dedicated enough to get there. But I do enjoy listening to a concert and picking out the horn sounds, and then follow it through the concert. It annoys the heck out of my wife cause I will sit there and direct to myself the music. As I heard one saying once, Horn is Life, the rest is just details. Maybe it is time to pick it up again and get my butt in gear and enjoy the talent I was given.

Follow up on my blog

I've been writing for some time here, and it all seems to be the same. I get happy, I get sad. I repeat. Well if you caught my last post, I have a story that I wrote, published. It was about my favorite comic book stores in my area. Yes I still do collect comics. The only one I read and collect is Knights of the Dinner Table(KoDT). It is a fluke comic that ran in a magazine which is no longer in production. It was called Shadis. The master mind behind the whole thing is Jolly Blackburn. He is a graduate of Ball University in Indiana, and he began to write this comic as a filler for the rag. Little did he know that several years later, he had a following. When Shadis folded, he looked else where to publish his comic. A man by the name of David Kenzer was looking for new stuff to publish. They struck a deal and now 15 years later, they are still friends and co-writers of the most popular gaming magazine out there. They go to gaming conventions most in the east but are one of the big points in the show, due to their "Live" readings of KoDT. I've been a fan since 2000 when i first picked them up in Seattle, and thought this is a weird name for a comic, and really didn't get into it until I lived in Idaho and found a game shop there that was great. KoDT is my release to gaming when I can't game. I get to read what others get to do and enjoy it. Not completely filling but just enough to get a good laugh and remember the old days when I was single and could game whenever. Ok I went off track from what I wanted to share but I like to share the things I like to read.

Anyway, back to what I wanted to share, I have my first writing published on Associated Content. It is a site that pays you for assignments or stories you write. My first story which has yet to be published is on how to fry the perfect over easy egg. I know I had no other thought on mind so I wrote what I know. Thats what they say, write what you know. Then this last story is writing about a sports movie, game, etc... So the last sports movie I saw was The Blind Side. So we will see if it gets published too. I am hoping that I will raise enough money by writing every day and seeing how far I can go with this. It is not a full time job and I could get one soon, then I could just keep this as a hobby and bring in some extra cash when I have the chance. So we will see. I do have an interview tomorrow for a resturant in Clearfield and hoping to get on. It is for a short order cook. So we will see how that goes. Other then that, life is as it is. Same stuff different day.

My first published work

www.associatedcontent.com/article/5608446/the_best_comic_store_in_northern_utah.html

A gamer in peril

I can’t fully rememberwhen I was introduced into gaming, must have been around Jr High Freshman year in HS. My friends invited me to their place for gaming. We rolled dice, we wrote up characters, we even worked on our own games. I remember playing in HS during lunch, it was a fighter jet game my friend made up. We fought enemies like the Germans and Russains. Fired missles and guns to shoot down their planes. Had sheet letting us know what our sheilding was, how much damage we could take, what we needed to shoot down other planes, rolling, speed, etc. It was cool. We had a lot of fun. My friend Bryon also could really tell a story for D&D too. While in California I always had a chance to game. With him and several other friends I got to know, we had great groups that did a lot of fun things. Drank a lot of coke and ate a lot of pizza and doritos. Saw many characters rise and fall. Remembered a mage I ran. Had a facination with fire. He would fire ball his way through a dungeon. Until one time we came upon some skeletons in a closed cavern. I told everyone to get behind me and wait. I rolled for the spell. Bryon rolled for spell failure. What happened next killed half the party, and injured the rest. The spell went off, flew over the skeletons, hit the back end of the tunnel, where there was 3 barrels of gunpowder, I believe it was orcs that were hording. The fireball ignited the barrels and a fire ball 8 times the size I fired off came flying back at us. Destoryed the skeletons, and us as the flash came back. We were given a save roll. Many did not make it. I think I had 2 HP left as I staggered back out of the cave. Lets just say the others forbade me to ever run another mage again.




The reason I am writing is that yes I do miss the gaming group I grew up with. We all have grown up and gone our seperate ways. Some of them still live there in Red Bluff and others come back when they can. 3 years ago, I was able to find a group who liked to play, hadn’t played with the new rules but were willing to learn. All of htem are active duty AF men. One is a civillian working on the base. The others worked on the base, but still go out on TDY when called. So the group fell apart a few months after it was together. I was able to form another group lately and because I have a family, it is hard to do what i like doing. I like to go out with the guys and roll away the stress of family life. I would GM/DM but no time to study, and plan for the group to do things. So I am going back to playing and go from there.



One of the great things on being a gamer, there are things out there, that even when you can’t play you can read on what others have done. One of the magizines I read is Knights of the Dinner Table. Its a rag about gamers, for gamers. 20 years ago, a madman named Jolly Blackburn created a rag named Shadis. He created a group of characters that resembled his own group that played. It has grown since then. It is a monthly rag that goes all over the world to gamers. It has kept me company since I have not been able to game, nor be with my old group. Just recently, I found them on Facebook. His wife has already added me and I am looking at going to one of the gamers conventions they go too throughout the year. GaryCon 3. Named for the great Father of Gaming. E. Gary Gygax. RIP. If I can get and keep a job, I am hoping I can save up and go to GC3 in March of next year. If not, maybe I can look at other Cons near here. I think Vegas has one each year. It would be nice to get out and be with other gamers and enjoy that kinship. So we will see. So thats my few words I need to get out.

Still in trouble

So after a wonderfully sad weekend, we start off this week with a visit to my doctor. The edema is still there and getting worse. So change of meds, push IHC Home Care to get me something Medicaid will pay for and then try to rest my foot since I kicked something I wasn't supposed too last Thursday and hurt my foot and it finally begins to hurt on Tuesday, really bad. I had to take a Lortab 5 to get to sleep last night since it hurt so bad. My ankles look like a couple of puffer fish attached to my legs, which look more like fat turkey legs. Yeah its that bad. Home Care said MC will pay for TED stockings which are like compression stockings only you wear them at night and it helps the swelling at night. They are so funny to put on and I see now why women have so much trouble with nylons that go to their thighs. Yeah these go up to my thighs. They are tight to get on and a pain but they did help the one leg. I had to take it off the right leg due to the foot incident. Today it hasn't hurt as much and we did have a good amount of things to get done today and it hurts right now but not like yesterday. We will see what happens when I go to bed.

Also this week we began the task of cleaning the shed out of my parents stuff in the totes. I had to stop many times because of things my mom had, pictures I hadn't seen in years, things that i knew my parents had that my dad may want to keep to remind him of the love he has for mom. My mom had a cow collection of figurines. We picked out a few that we will give to our boys, my daughter Emma and my dad. There are also a few things we are saving like a few of dads beer steins. Yes you read that right. Beer steins. My dad collected them. He had many from all over the world. Many were from Germany. So we are keeping some and the rest are going to the DI. We also are going through their VHS movies they had. That's a chore in and of itself. They have been collecting those since we had our first VCR, back in the 80's. Our first movie we rented and watched on the old battle axe top loading VCR, was Raiders of the Lost Ark. We didn't know what tracking was at the time and thought there was a problem with the tape. We returned it and when we told the guy at the counter what was going on with it, he put it in a VCR there and then showed us the tracking feature. He let us have the tape again for the night and we found the tracking and had a great movie night. Then I learned you could hook up two VCR's and record on one while the other plays. Spent many nights at friends homes duping tapes. Did an all nighter at one place copying Sho-Gun and Tai-Pan. We were still up at 7am when the movies finished. Longest night ever. But fun.

Well I am done for now. I am on Lasix and potassium pills along with my other BP meds. So we will see and hope this helps my legs. I need to get back to work and my councilor so I can get my life back in order. I am hoping in a month or two Greyhound will be hiring for drivers here in SLC. If I can get my CDL and passenger endorsements, I can drive bus for the school district during the year and GH in the summer. Both would help out a lot. So that's it for now. Thanks for listening.

Its not fair

Apparently, no matter what we try to do, something always comes up. Not clear enough? Let me see if I can move some of the yuck and get a better understanding for you. We want to have another child. My health is now in the way. I am lucky to be able to walk when I am able to get up, since my leg hurts so much. I can take Tylenol, Motrin, and it does somewhat good, but not enough. So in order for us to be able to make the baby, I need to not hurt and all that. Chris is discouraged, I am too, yet we want another one bad. Seeing my friend from my mission adopt a baby from California, and see that cute little face, its hard not to just shut down blogger or not follow their blog. I am sure someone is going to say, its not the right time if things are getting in the way. There is only one person who can get in the way of letting good things happen. He may not ever show his face in daylight ever again, as he did with Joseph, but he does delight in making people drown in their misery. I have worked too long and too hard for my health to now become an issue with the chance of being a father to another wonderful spirit from HF. I still have my bouts of depression, I think we all do. But it was nothing like before. I was in so much pain, so much misery, I just wished the rocks would pile on me and hide me from the light, or just bury myself in a hole so deep, no one could hear if I breathed or not. Yeah pretty scary stuff. I would watch Saw movies and relish in the sickness and pain of the persons who created the movies. Death became me. Death was me. I was death. I made life miserable. I made others miserable. I even pissed off some of the most helpful friends I have ever had. I still don't hear from them and that is their choice. We all have to make choices. We all have to make sacrifices so that other things or persons can be taken care of. I even sent them a message asking for their forgiveness. Their answer, we'll call you and talk to you. That was over a month ago. Handed me excuses why they couldn't call or stop by or anything. So i told them whatever. I did what I had to do. I had to ask. If i didn't, then the condemnation would lie on me only. I did my part. Well enough said, I am hoping I can make it to Church and back tomorrow. If my legs will carry me, and I can walk, I will make it. If not, I think I can just sit back and relax and maybe work on my articles I am working on for this site I am writing on. www.Allvoices.com. It is a community of writers from all over the globe, publishing stories from the net in their own words and language sharing their opinions and ideas with the rest of the world. So far I am doing well. I think I am still behind the curve, but there is room for improvement. I am still looking for some more fans to add to my fan base. All you have to do is sign up and then rate my stories as I publish them. Just visiting the articles and rating them help improve my overall score and sets me up for a promotion and a pay raise. Yes I do get paid for this. It is based on per 1000 visits and cumulative score, based on participation, reputation and promotion. I am tweeting and posting the stories on FB, just so if you are interested, you can see them. When you visit the articles, they will show how many have visited the article. And signing up and rating them helps me improve on the stories and boosts my score. So if my score reaches the min 50 before the end of the month, and I get 1000 page views, I will get a $100 check mailed to me the following month. I have to meet certain metrics if I am to get paid at any level. So if I get a score from 50-64 by the end of the month I will get paid per 1000 visits, $1.50. So if I get 62 score, and 12000 visits, that will be $180. $100 of it will be paid to me, and the other $80 will be carried over to the next month. So the next month I get a score of 64. 24000 page visits. My pay will be: $360. 80 will be added to that, so I will be paid $400 and that carry over will be $40. So it is a very nice system and I am just going for broke here by saying what I'd like to get a page visits and base score from the beginning. The metrics for your score can go higher to getting $3 per 1000 page visits. So we will see in the coming months. At least I can contribute and help pay for stuff and have this money as a backup. Well that's all for tonight.

I think I found my calling

Yes you heard that correctly. I have been seeing for a few weeks this ad on FB for writers and bloggers. SO I went and checked it out. It is a company on the web for contributing writers to write their local news, and some personal news. You do get paid for it and I know it will be a few months before I get anything but I am enjoying writing and sharing my views on things. I have been posting them in the lifestyles and human interest categories. But I think I have found something I could really do. Find things that interest me and write about it. Share the info with the rest of the world and get paid for it. Maybe if I can build a reputation, rewrite my resume and go apply for the local paper here. I may have to write a few articles a week, but what else do I do when I am home alone, and have the Internet I can get the info out to my editor and have it published. I remember in HS I took a few summer school classes, and one of them was a Photography class. We had to go and take pictures and learn how to develop the film then at the end of the class we wrote up articles to the pictures and that became the first edition for the school year paper. It was a lot of fun and I learned a lot. So we will see what comes out of this. My first article was on my blog I created a few days ago.  Man vs cross stitch. I had 22 views and 50% of it came from USA. The rest from other places. Today I posted an article of a Girl Scout who is a local that is getting some great honours because she wants to start a club on her HS campus for Math Engineering Science Association. MESA. Chris is a girl scout, though she does not do much now as she was banned for some stupid parents who just had nothing better to do than complain. But she is still a life member and now as a parent she can make complaints on other parents. So it all works out. And the fact that Mary will be in TX this next year, it will be hard for her to not want to help her leader she had as a kid and still be involved even though her daughter is not here. So we will see what happens there. Well for now I am going to go enjoy the silence for a little bit longer. Laters.

Oh BTW, I did get approved to be a Jr Companion to an Elder and have a HT route and be the EQ caller to get HT done. Getting closer to being where I need to be. Plus Chris and I are planning on being sealed on our anniversary this year. August 18, 2010. It will be our three year. What a great day to do it. Hoping to have my blessings restored a few weeks before hand. At the rate we are going, it feels right. I hope the Lord feels it is right too.

Problem detected and going to get fixed

Went to see my doctor this morning to see why my legs have swelled. He did some pressure and movement and than says that it is probably due to the new med he put me on a few months ago. So he is taking me off that one, putting me on another and adding compression stockings to the legs to wear throughout the day and come back in a month to see how they are. Plus my BP was good and my weight went up due to the water gain. So not too happy but at least we know what is going on now. So hopefully with the new med and the stockings I should be back to normal(what is that?) hopefully soon. The only other thing we could do is add a diuretic to flush out the system. So if this doesn't work we will go that way.

Slump improved

Yes you see and hear it. Just got a call from my wifes work saying she isn't fired but a part time position has opened up and they want her there. So after she goes to see the Bishop she will be on her way to work. And then she will get her part time schedule and continue to work for the Census and all is well again. The bad thing is still my back and legs. While Chris and the boys were gone to church, I just bared my teeth and got through the pain to start the laundry, dishes, remake our bed, and have lunch ready for when they got home. Ran to the bank to get the money out to pay our tithing, and when I got back that's when we got the call. I will say it was a sign and blessing from HF that He is watching out for us and knows what is going on. Chris even bore her testimony in Sacrament today. She is growing so much more than I am. Some days I feel unworthy to be her husband and wish she could be happier elsewhere, but then there are the days we are working and doing things together that bless us both. I think HF wants us to make that goal this year to make it to the temple. Yeah we will still have issues, we will still have walls to climb, whatever metaphor you choose to use, we will make it. We got this far on duct tape and super glue, lets see how much more longer it will hold. until it is replaced but the Holy Seal of Promise spoken of by Joseph Smith in the D&C.

Slump

I guess it would happen again. I am in a slump again where I care little for anything again. My back hurts, my leg has swelled(not sure why) can't do anything without help. I am just a burden to my family and the church again. Chris lost her job due to taking yesterday off without permission because she wanted to see her kids off and she had put in for the time off and they denied her. So she asked if I would be mad if she "quit" this job. She has been stressed out with it, had to go to the ER last week while at work, then the kids getting taken by her mom again, and more threats from her mom, plus my problems, it all ganged up on her and she just had to let something go. The money was good, but the headache and heartache around it was not worth it. Win-Co is opening a new store in Roy and she will be going there tomorrow to apply. I have been seeing the ad for Winegars for a baker again, but not sure because of my problems if they would take me or think I was a risk to them. All I know for one thing, we may never get the chance to go to the temple. I won't be getting my blessings back and if the Bishop keeps pressuring me into saying that I have to step up and take them to the temple or they will be damned, I am just going to tell him to ex me. I don't need the pressure from him saying my family is damned because of me. I can't please all the people all the time. There is a breaking point in me where I have to say enough is enough. I may be dis-fellowshipped for speaking like this and I don't care. He needs to read the 121 section for the D&C where it says near the end not to force people into doing things they can't do. He may say he has love behind it, but it doesn't show. Yeah i know what your thinking(oh really now, he can read my mind here) I am finding ways to blame the church. I am not doing that at all, I am simply pointing out the facts that because I am no good to the church, I am no good to the Lord. That's how I am reading it. It may be so.There may be no real purpose for me to be here on this earth than to take up space and waste the Lords time. "Saved by grace, after all we can" I think that's more horse pucky then everyone says it is. I've done all I can. Why can't pick up some? It will be 9 years since I was rebaptised into the church in September. I am wondering if it was worth it.

P.S. I have deactivated my account of FB. I guess I am just sick of it period. I need to find better things to do than waste time on there. Maybe I will finish up my cross stitch I started on for Jacob. Maybe finish a few books I have started last year and need to finish. I know I will need to blog more to be able to get my feelings out.

A call to know

The reason I titled this that way is because there is a need to know. In doing family history, not having a link in the family to a missing member causes a hole that will be left undone until it is found and patched back into the family tree. I am talking about my moms youngest sister June Ann. I do not remember when she was born, but I do know she was born in Alaska and my moms real mom dies in child birth. June was adopted and was able to recieve her inheritance from my aunts and uncle adoptive parents when they died, but she has not wanted any contact with the family. Since my moms passing, maybe we can get the ball going, find her let her know she has family, two sisters still alive, nephews, nieces galore and we want to know her. If she has made it well in life that is her own doing. We don't want that, we want her. We want to know where she has been, where she grew up, is she married, does she have any kids. I am hoping to fill a hole that has been missing for quite some time. I would like to let her see her face when she see's her sisters, her nephews, nieces, and share with her our lives and have come back with us to our fold. I am hoping that I can do a lot of fasting and praying to make this happen. If you would like to join me in the Fast, it will be done the first Sunday in June. I am going to post this to a few networks and see what we can find. I see that Oprah is doing a show about lost family members. Maybe she might want to get in on this and see what help we can get to find her. I will not stop this search until my very last days on this earth. I hope my mom on the other side along with her mom and her adoptive parents, will be part of this quest.

Found this a while ago, but still find it funny.

"I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the Cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel."

Can't feel any better, but working on it.

The good thing about leaving something, is that you should always look ahead and not look back. Too bad Pottiphers wife didn't listen to the Lord. What would it be like to be a pillar of salt? Would I loose my flavour? Would I just be blowing in the wind like the sand? anyway enough of my ponderings in outerspace. I have not completely but systematically stripped my FB account so that no games, or pages, or requests, or other thing that would distract me from enjoying the peace and quiet of just doing other things that need to be done. I do still play toontown and that gives me something to enjoy. But the FB games have just not only bored me, but there is no challenge in them anymore. But of course I think I was born a No-Mad and should travel and do things and change as often as I can. I hate change but I do like it most of the time.
Last week I began to read a book that my HT brought to me, a while ago and it has helped me understand a little more to the Atonement and what it can do to help me. I still am being bombarded by Satan, I know it and he knows it, I just need to work on pushing him back so I can have the spirit to be with me. I will say though in a few days, the kids will be heading to Texas and it will be nice to have the house to ourselves again. I think also then I can get myself in a better frame of mind. One thing that I will look forward too int he new year is Mary will be staying there in TX for the school year so that she can be with her dad and maybe get some more one on one time with him. We think that will be the best for her. So all we would have to worry about is Zach during the week and David during the weekend. So we got that going for us. Which is nice...

Just a look is all it takes.

I have for the last few months, been fighting something that has no cure(at least it seemed to me), has no boundries, has no bigotry, no favorites. It can hit someone or it will pass through someones life if they keep to the right. I have been suffering from it for who knows how long, and may never have fully release me, but I am going to do all my best to fight it. I may fail some days, I may want to throw in the towel. But I know one thing is for sure. I am a Son of God. I am worth it. I am a great father. I am a wonderful husband. I have been fighting back so much it has taken so much out of me, I have just not cared for anything, anyone. This depression is so evil I do not wish it on anyone. When it grips me, there is nothing I can do to shake it. But, tonight it broke. I went in to feed Jacob before he would go down for tonight. As I held him there, I began to hum, "Love at home." He looked up at me and smiled. I began to sing another song, he just smiled at me. His eyes pierced my soul and I thought, and asked him, "Is grandma Potter here?" He just stared at me intently with so much love and compassion, i broke out in tears(as I am now). I have lost my mom, and that hurts so much. I miss her so much. She was the glue that held us together. She always had a smile on her face and she would never say a mean word to anyone. She had so much love, she never complained. I looked at Jacob and realised, he has those same traits my mom has. She has not left me, she is right next to me. I don't know how to go on, but I will. Knowing she is still with us. I will teach Jacob all I can about his grandma he didn't get to know and be like her. I will find that peace I need. I'll go where you want me to go, I'll do what you want me to do, I'll be what you want me to be dear Lord. I am not perfect, but I have a chance to be. It will not be easy, I will struggle, I will fall many times, but if I can be on my knees, and look high, and remember to always do that, maybe this darkness I am in, will soon pass. I need thee every hour, oh boy do i need thee. Thank you to all who are my friends. I really do appreciate your friendship, your love and the kind words and help you give me. Please continue. I will listen now. I guess I needed to come to myself again. Lets move forward and not back.

Yearly update

Yeah thats what I said. Yearly. It's been a very rough year this year and since the last time I wrote on here. I will just write about what has happened this year. I was at work at the DI when I got a call from my wife saying Ben had fell off the couch and his arm was hurting. So she took him in. When they got home, Chris was opening the door when a card flew out of the door. It was from the local PD saying to call dispatch. Chris pretty much freaked since she thought I got hurt and it wasn't that. Salem Hospital from Oregon tried to call me because my mom was admitted that afternoon. She was barely alive. She was dieing of heart and kidney failure. In a whirlwind of calls and late nights, we got plane tickets to get out there and have a place to stay. She was on life support which was the only thing keeping her alive. We as a family with her ward family came to the choice to take her off support and let HF take her home. She lasted until Saturday night when they moved her to a private room so we could have peace and quiet there. She waited until the whole family was there, than took her last breath. We began the process of the funeral, moving my dad to a temp place before we could bring him here to Utah. We got back home and had to deal with all the crap we have here. Got several calls from my dads worker saying he was having issues there. So earlier this month, we drove over to Oregon, packed up his things in a Uhaul trailer, had a hitch put on our van and moved him here. Now we are working on the wait to get him in a assisted living home so someone can watch over him. So that is up to the day. Also we have found out that the church has rejected my application for my restoration of my blessings, so I am pretty much done with the church. I am not going to stop Chris or the boys, but I am done. So thats that.