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Sunday, October 31, 2010
Wish there was an easier answer
Some say I'm a fighter. Some say I just quit. In the immortal words of Bubba Jay(Jeff Dunhams Puppet), AA is for quitters. I guess I just give up way to easily on things that may make a change in my life or in the lives of others. And I give up when I know that pushing my luck is just going to wind me back in a place I don't want to go. I guess your not really following on what I am saying. I guess I was really not taught well enough to be the person I am supposed to be. I lack discipline, I lack courage, I lack a lot of things "normal" people have to make it through life. I live moment to moment. Paycheck to paycheck. I have no real goals in life because I just don't care. I am just taking up space that a billion other souls in the pre-mortal life are just waiting for their chance to come here to earth, have a body and have an earthly experience that will prepare them for the life afterwords. To me, I don't care what happens to me after I die. That's what it all boils down too. Yes I get smidgens of what life could be like, but when I try to go after it, it all goes to hell in a hand basket. I am sick of being the loser. Yeah it would be great if I was the Biggest Loser. From that stand point in the TV series, that would be great. Yeah some of you will tell me, "Your a child of God. And that's all that matters." When you have been hearing that all your life and are sick of hearing it, you just turn a deaf ear. I guess what Nephi in the Book of Mormon describing his brothers; They know not that God which gives them life. And they are past feeling. They had seen miracles, they had seen an angel, yet they still rebelled. And when Lehi told his son about the dream he had about the tree of life, seeing his older sons in the great and spacious building, mocking them and belittling them. I begin to wonder if I am like them. Yes I make fun of some of the things of the church, I talk behind my Bishops back, I say things that are contrary to the teachings of the church. I take and not give. I'll do the work the church asks me to do, but do it with no feeling that I will make a difference in someones life. I wonder if I am really too screwed up to be be saved and if I am even worth saving. I left the church in '99. Maybe I need to leave again and struggle and be in pain and just live until I die. And if there is a God, maybe he might help me find the way back. Because I sure don't know where to go or how to do it. Or if I even care too. I think I am done for tonight.
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1 comment:
why do you think you are a loser? i may be opening a can of worms i cannot keep up with, but whomever told you that, made you feel that in your life is missing a screw or was when they influenced you to feel that about yourself for all these years of your life. i can't relate to that life. i was raised by a mother with a tremendous self esteem and a very supportive and hardworking father. i was taught to do for myself, be independant, love/trust our Heavenly Father/scriptures/prayer, and to be a leader instead of a follower. I do not know you AT ALL but I do know we were all created with the potential of reaching perfection and having Joy. I do not know anyone who is perfect (including my angelic mother) so that must mean we are all losers and therefore: A WORK IN PROGRESS!! :) Please don't give up on yourself or forget the love and attention your family needs from you. L-O-V-E. I have a feeling you weren't given the appropriate amount of this in your life, either by family or friends and that is a shame but you are smart enough to turn that around as to how it influences you Today. Yesterday is just that, today and right now, this minute is a clean slate. You can't go back and fix your failures so you can be whomever you want to be TODAY. Find out about Dave Ramsey and follow his guidance and you will not live paycheck to paycheck. You will have a sence of accomplishment and everyone around you will notice the confidence and change in you. After that you will tackle the other "biggest loser" feelings in your life slowly. It doesn't happen over night either so you can put that dream away. ha ha ha. Anyway, you may have made a mistake in telling me about your blog. I cannot help myself when i see/read an injustice so I hope you don't mind the intrution (sp?). Good luck on your journey, don't give up. please.
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