Its finally time.

I am not sure if I want to share this post or not. I was going through some pictures my wife had on her phone. And I stumbled on one that made me cringe when I saw it. It was of me, sitting in a chair at the barber shop. And it sickened me. Is that really me? Do I really look that bad? What on earth am I doing with all that weight? And I came to myself and realized, that is not me. That is not healthy. That just cannot be anymore. And for nearly an hour I searched for the Vet who could not move, was obese too. Then he bought this program and began to change. The doctors say he would never run again. He made them eat their words. I went to the site that has the program and read through everything I could. Then I made the choice to get the middle program. I know I will catch Hell for buying something without asking, but I am not doing this just for me. This is for Emma, Benjamin, Jacob, Phoebe, Chris. I want them to be proud of what I will accomplish with the changes I need to make and be able to be the husband, and father they want me to be. No. The husband and father, I want to be. I want to be able to run and not be weary, To walk and not faint. I want to be the man I am potential to be.

This was me. Last year as I sat and waited for the wife and kids to get their haircuts. 

And so it ends

Ends? What on earth is he talking about. Yes in roughly 1 hour 8 minutes, I will have been off Facebook for an entire week. Did it help me? I am inclined to say no. Did I want to get on it and see what was going on? Slightly. I did get on my wifes account to check with DWS, but that does not count. And yes I even did get on mine to log into DWS, but quickly deactivated my profile again.

Going a week without FB was a challenge I will say. Especially when my wife is reading post of others from her friends list or stuff in random general that she thought was funny. Either way, I have fought the good fight, I have conquered my foe. I have seen the light. I will return to Facebook, but on my own terms.

I may not play the games, I may not be in the groups. But I will be on there to post my dealings with being an OTR truck driver. I will do my best to post pics, videos and other fun things that goes with trucking. I also in the future will be adding ads to try and get some income with my blog. So please click on them if you like and help support this poor dad trying to raise a family and the bread crumbs of life.

So until tomorrow, when I get to my hotel room in beautiful Tacoma, WA I say, "Goodnight and may all the bed bugs bite."

A little off today

So if you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of? Was working on moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer, and had them all in there, and set the timer and hit the start button. It didn't start. I reset the timer and hit the button again. Again it didn't start. I kept hitting the button until my wife suggested to close the door. Yeah, I'm that dumb today.

Then I go even further. I start the next load. Get the soap in, soap booster, go to grab the fabric softener cup..... No cup....... Its in the dryer with the clothes. I forgot to put it back on the bottle when I started the last load. So now its all nice and clean. I finish filling the load and off it goes.

Wife got paid for her Jamberry stuff today and the orders she got last week. So we went and got a few things we needed at the store. Got the Swifter duster and went to town on the ceiling. Its been many years since it has been fully cleaned. Plus dusted off some other places that needed it and we couldn't get with other things. Plus cleaned the inside of the door. This place is beginning to look like it was just bought. Feels nice to have a clean house again. Now its the keeping up on it that will be the test.

So happy to get a job, just nervous I screw it up again. And to head up to Seattle/Tacoma area for training will be heaven to me. I miss being up in Washington, and now I will be heading there many more times. 11 western states regional area. Pulling reefers, so no big deal. It helps me to sleep at night hearing it kick on. The trucks will have an APU, inverter and a fridge. So when I get back and Chris has food stamps, gonna pack up a lot of cold stuff to make on the road. Maybe see if I can get a small microwave and heat up stuff for meals. We'll see. So until tomorrow, this is James, your boring blogger.

Hum drum day

Yes I missed blogging yesterday. I guess either I didn't find time or just forgot. I need to make this a priority sometimes too. Not a lot has happened. Still taking my meds on a regular basis. Still have to raise my voice a few times, but trying hard to not do so. Yet this cold has killed my voice. So sometimes I need to raise it to be heard.

Jacob has walked into class with me each morning this week and that is a big step for him. Hoping this will continue so when he goes to Kindergarten next year, he will just go.

Our home teachers came by Tuesday night and it feels good to have them here. Brother Crandall is someone I can look up to and our Elders Quarum Pres Rosskelly. They are just simple men, with young children and what a blessing they are to us. They challenged us to do family prayer every night before heading to bed. We have done it the last few nights and it has been good. It will be different when I am on the road making my deliveries, but we will work it out. And the issue with going to church will be hard, but as long as Chris goes and the kids go to Primary, we should be ok.

Another good note today, I was finally oked to head to orientation for Interstate Trucking. So I leave on Sunday afternoon and get into Sea/Tac and the hotel in a few hours. Then off to work on Monday. Hopefully will have my truck by Thursday and off on my first load. It will feel really good to get behind the wheel and get back to work. I will make it work this time. If I find fault, i will relook at what I am complaining about and try to make it work. We need this and it is a blessing from heaven.

Tonight the older kids are coming over because the last time the In-Laws left the kids alone at their house, they had to come back and break up a fight. So we will see what happens here. Making dinner for them and us. Chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy and green beans. Then if I am feeling up to it, play my new game I got a week ago. If I can't game with a group right now, I can get my time in with a board game for D&D. It looks fun so we will see. So this is all for today and yesterday.

Progress day 2

Today has been a little better. Small steps everyday. Got up, got the boys up and headed out to the Parents and Pastries(DOUGHNUTS). So we had a good time reading and eating our doughnuts. Then I walked Ben to his class and walked back with Jacob to take him to his class. He is getting so good with walking with me to his class. I am hoping near the end, he will just line up with his class and go right in without any issues. He did a few times last year when he was in the Head Start class. I am hoping it will continue for him. Next year he will be in Kindergarten and I know they need to walk in on their own. So little steps with him too. Need to take my meds, and will here soon. It snowed last night and looks wonderful. Wish we had this earlier in the winter, but this is ok now. At least we have it now. I feel for my former co-driver who has to drive in this out to Dallas. He also had an issue with last week when Dallas got hit with a snow storm.

Just got done finishing the snow shoveling of the driveway. My little one Phoebe helped until her handle broke. So oh well. At least its shoveled and ice melt down. Now time to get out the stroller to go get JJ from school at 1. My cold is still lingering but able to deal with it more. Last week, I just had no energy to move or do anything. Getting some of that back today. Baby steps.

Progress

No matter what, a little progress is something to celebrate. I messaged a friend that called me then we set up an appointment to tell this morning. What I got out of it was good. I just needed someone to listen and hear me. I think I can do it. It is just baby steps. Little steps put together make a big step forward in the right direction. More bigger steps and more closer to being able to deal with all emotions and feelings. I may still have my blue and bad days. It will be how I feel with those days is what others will remember later. I made the one step today. To talk to someone. Next is getting the help I need to carry me forward. I am not doing it for my kids, nor my wife but for me. I need to be able to handle everything I can control. So we see how this will go. Day and a half not on Facebook. It's hard, but I hope my wife will respect that I do not want to know or see anything on there. I need this break for myself. I need to take control of me before I can move on.

Its about.... abuse.

I am going to have a hard time writing this. It has been almost a year since I last put to words things that I needed to share. With nearly 24 hours without being on that crack whore Facebook, life still is not good. In fact it just gets worse, no matter what I do or say. My name is James Potter, and I am abusive husband, father and hypocrite to the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter-Day Saints. I say I believe, but don't follow it, I love the smell of tea and coffee, and cigars. I have not touched a drop of real alcohol in many years, for I know what it can do to me. I have high blood pressure, bi-polar depression and sleep apnea. I don't taker my pills, cause I just forget. I don't see a councilor since they are all crooks. I used to know what I wanted in life. And there is no way to obtain it now. I can't lose weight cause I just don't give a fuck. I would rather die than continue like this. I am an orphan. Both my parents are dead.I have no brothers or sisters, at least blood family. I have several cousins, but they are in their own world and have their own battles to fight. I am married, and have children, but not happiness. My happiness is gone, and I do not know how to get it back. I don't know if I even want it back. I am miserable, sad, angry, frustrated, unhappy. I am so depressed it is hard to breathe some days. It kills me to get out of bed, to get up to do anything. But I have to, cause no one else will. I can't keep a job, since I have to find fault in everything. I am to blame for everything that goes on in my life. There really is no hope for me anymore. I would rather be in hell, burning there for eternity than living a lie. If the rocks here in Utah would explode and cover me, even better. All I do is give people pain. I am no good for anyone. Not even a god would want me. Why would he send me here if all I do is cause pain. I am worthless. I am shit. I am nothing.