Its about.... abuse.

I am going to have a hard time writing this. It has been almost a year since I last put to words things that I needed to share. With nearly 24 hours without being on that crack whore Facebook, life still is not good. In fact it just gets worse, no matter what I do or say. My name is James Potter, and I am abusive husband, father and hypocrite to the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter-Day Saints. I say I believe, but don't follow it, I love the smell of tea and coffee, and cigars. I have not touched a drop of real alcohol in many years, for I know what it can do to me. I have high blood pressure, bi-polar depression and sleep apnea. I don't taker my pills, cause I just forget. I don't see a councilor since they are all crooks. I used to know what I wanted in life. And there is no way to obtain it now. I can't lose weight cause I just don't give a fuck. I would rather die than continue like this. I am an orphan. Both my parents are dead.I have no brothers or sisters, at least blood family. I have several cousins, but they are in their own world and have their own battles to fight. I am married, and have children, but not happiness. My happiness is gone, and I do not know how to get it back. I don't know if I even want it back. I am miserable, sad, angry, frustrated, unhappy. I am so depressed it is hard to breathe some days. It kills me to get out of bed, to get up to do anything. But I have to, cause no one else will. I can't keep a job, since I have to find fault in everything. I am to blame for everything that goes on in my life. There really is no hope for me anymore. I would rather be in hell, burning there for eternity than living a lie. If the rocks here in Utah would explode and cover me, even better. All I do is give people pain. I am no good for anyone. Not even a god would want me. Why would he send me here if all I do is cause pain. I am worthless. I am shit. I am nothing.