Blessing or curse

Last Sunday the EQ Pres pulled me aside and asked if I would accept a calling in EQ for their Perfecting the Saints committee for the quorum. I accepted it and after this morning I wonder if I should have asked to not take the calling. I won't go into details of what happened but I felt I did not belong there in church. But we went anyway and stayed the entire time and after church I waited around for a ride since Chris had to go to work. Now several months ago, I had a break down because I could not find work that I liked, or could do, or whatnot. I was so depressed, I called the EQP and he came over and gave me a blessing. During the setting apart today, the Lord mentioned that and because of that, the struggles I have had with keeping a job, with my health, that accepting the calling and doing the work, I would be healthy, and that I could bless others and help them help themselves. I understood what He meant. I have gone through literal hell. I have been to the bottom, scrapped it, and have carried some back with me. Hence why do I keep sinking back to the bottom. They tell us to endure to the end. The end of what? If you read the verses in "If you could Hie to Kolob." you would understand that there is no end. So why endure to the end, when there is no end? I have endured from September 2, 2001 to now, and I really wonder how much longer I can wait. How much I can endure? When will it end? I tried to talk to my Stake Pres today and ask since it has been 60 days since he sent the paperwork, but he blew me off. I wonder if it really was worth all the effort to get re baptised, fall, pick myself back up, fall again, then pick it up again, all to have the Lord say, I am not worth it. Maybe I am not worth it. It's not depression, it's truth. I do have one thing to say, why do I blog when yes some read it then don't give a crap what is written and not comment. Maybe I just need to forget blogging anymore. Hell why not just slit my wrists, take a drug cocktail to end this miserable life. Why not?