The windows of Heaven have opened, and are stuck

I admit I am procrastinator and a horrible waiter. I hate waiting for things that are simple yet know somewhere there is an eternal concept I need to learn. I think it was back in May or June Chris had her IUD taken out so that we could try for another baby. And for the other reason that it was giving her pain. So we had been trying for these several months to have another little one. Well yesterday started out good. Then it just snowballed downhill for a while. We had some bills to pay, some house items we needed to feed gerbils, the cat, and just general stuff we needed. One of those was a home pregnancy test. Chris is a few days late from starting, so we thought what the heck we can do it sometime early next week. We got home, she grabbed it and went back to the bathroom and took it. We waited nearly 5 mins and we got the plus sign. That is good. I was also waiting on a call from my new work for an interview. No big deal we went down to the doctors office to have the test confirmed. It was negative. They basically rushed her in rushed her out with a negative result. We were crushed. I drove her to work, and went to go get the emissions and safety inspection on the van. It failed we knew it, but now we can go in and get a temp tag to last us until we can get what is wrong fixed. No big deal. I got home, still no call from my new work. I called them. They had already left for the day. As I said it began to snowball from here. Sitting for nearly an hour watching the news that had nothing but sadness and heartache, I grabbed Ben and we went to Walmart and took a walk. While there I was hoping to get my meds refilled. It now required the Doctor to see me to refill them. So now a week off the meds, I am lucky to be alive at this point. I was so upset, that Ben and I went to Chris' work, where more bad news. Chris mom has fluid on her spinal cord and has a slipped disk. So she is out of work for a while. I did the most wonderful thing I could think of. Call my Home Teacher and ask to go visit him. We sat and talked for an hour or so. It felt so good to sit and get my frustrations out and have someone listen and care. I went back to Chris' work feeling that the Lord does listen and is ready with those he has entrusted to do his work. Chris and I came home, put Ben to bed and we stayed up for a little while longer, played some games and then went to bed, read our scriptures and then fell asleep. We woke up early this morn to go back to another lab and retest the urine. They tested it and same result, and we told them that we had a positive result from a home one, so they went back and had a 2nd opinion look, and because they waited just a little longer, the second line did show up, showing that what we knew to be true. Chris is expecting. So we have a prenatal visit scheduled for later this month, but we know that the Lord had a hand in this. When we got back, I got a call from the bakery and I am set to interview Monday morn at 10:30. We told my MIL and she was pissed that now she has to pay for another child for Christmas. Chris and I have chosen that we are going to have our own Christmas here. We will still go by for Christmas dinner, but we need to stay here and have our own family time. Chris and I are also going to talk to the state and let them know about what my MIL is doing to the kids, and what their father hasn't done for them. And we are going to see about filing to get her younger two back to our home. It may be a long battle, but I feel and Chris feels the same way too, that they need the attention we can give them. Her oldest Zach needs more one on one attention and that is something we cannot give. He has so many issues that we just cannot control him with the others present. But getting the state involved and having them push to get their father involved and paying for his kids, may drive a stake between the two families, but it has to be done sometime. Well I have written a lot here and need to close. It's the little things in life that matter the most. It is also the simple things that make a huge difference in ones life. If it were not for Chris, I really don't know where I would be right now. If it wasn't for my membership in the church, I really don't know if i would be living right now. God has a plan for me, what it is or where it points me, only he knows and as long as I follow it, I will not go wrong.

Blessing indeed

Wow, I am blogging twice in the same day. The grand thing is I just had my pre-interview with the bakery manager and it went well. After the general manager saw my email from last night he called down to the bakery and said to Brian, "We need to hire this guy." So as of Friday the 30th, I will be employed again at a bakery. The fact that I followed the prompting of the spirit to go and look and then go and apply for the job, I got it. Prayers are answered, blessings are flowing.

Blessing in sight?

Last night when my wife and I got home from a birthday party for her niece, I made the choice to not work at the TaxWorks anymore. The reason I am leaving are a few reasons, but the one that got me, was I went to the Utah Job site and saw a job for Kents Market for a baker. So they asked to have a resume emailed and call the manager. So I applied and decided that I am not working out for this job. So when i take my break I will call there and find out if they got my resume and see if I can set up a interview today. After Saturday, I am just sick and tired of the double standards they place here. I have a feeling the bakery job is a gift from the Lord to let me know that he is watching over me. So I hope and pray this is where he wants me to be. I am going to follow as best I can so that I can receive the blessings he has in store for us. I also got a chance to talk to my Stake Pres and he is calling SL this week to find out what the hold up is for my blessings. He had talked to the Bishop and they both wondered what is going on. So that is what he wants to do. It has been nearly 90 days since he sent off the packet to the 1st Presidency, and we hope to hear from them soon. It'll be so nice to have that back, to hold a position in the church, bless my wife and children when they need it, do home teaching, just be the person the Lord wanted me to be in the first place, yet i ran and hid and shirked my duty. I thought I may be not right for the job my EQP wants me to do, but I know I can do that. So we will see what we have in store.

Happy

I know my wife should have blogged this last night, but I thought to share my excitement on this. Yesterday, I went out on my day off to go get my glasses fixed. The nose pieces have basically been dying on me so I had to go in and get them fixed. As I got there, my MIL called and asked if I could stop by and pick up some meds for Mary and drop it off for her. No problem, got there, she got me the meds and then handed me two movies and a bag of toys for Ben. Got to the school and had her called into the office to take care of the meds. One of the other secretaries asked what I was doing there, the other one(who called Mary there) told her that she had called Mary down. She then asked me how I knew? I told her that i was just bringing meds for her. So you didn't hear that she is a finalist for the science fair? Ummm no, i was just told to come bring her some meds. So Mary gets there and I giver her the meds and she is asked to wait in the office. I went home and got Ben and Chris. As we were leaving, Mary calls us and told us she has won the 4th grade Science Fair. So we rushed down there and she ran out to meet us. It was a proud day for Chris. Her daughter is following in her footsteps. So I felt that i was proud too. Bad point is that David got in trouble at the same time for pushing. I didn't get the whole story, but it is getting to be ridiculous now for him and Zach. They need much more then what they get from the school. I suggested they go to private school. And if they continue with this, they should be in home-school. But that is just me. they have issues that still need to be addressed and they just not are. they are still going through the same crap everyday with no change. No matter what they are told to do or asked to do, they just don't let it sink in, that they cannot do what they do. They are both over 8 years old now, they both should know right from wrong. But do they do it? No. Well anyway, just wanted to share the good news. We are very proud of Mary. She has done so well this year for school. We have high hopes for her. Oh and if you would like to order Girl Scout cookies, please respond to the email. We can and do ship to where ever you are.

Call it what you will

You know how some people,(optomists) they look at everything as a blessing from God or some other force for good in their lives and that is what they live off of. I am not one of those people but if something of good works does come to me, I am sometime hesitant to refer it to God as a divine intervention. Until today. I got up late this morning and being tired as I was I did not think to grab some food to take with me to work to eat for lunch. So I thought, I'd just go out to the car and head over to like Wendy's to get something simple and won't break teh bank. When i got out into the van, the bank card was not there. So i went and got change from the van and got a soda to drink so that at least i would have something. As I was getting in my pocket, I pulled out the change and a bunch of cards I keep with me for different things. In it was the Subway card. The other day we went there and they told us that we had enough to get a free foot long sub. Call it karma, call it inspiration, call it divine intervention. On my way out to go get my "FREE" sub, I made the comment, Where there is a will, there is a Subway.
I have been a pestimist for the majority of my life. I may not change over night, I may not ever change totally, but just that one little hint of knoiwing that someone was watching over me, and was able to feed me, with no cost to me, but just a simple act that reminded me, there is something out there. They say to look to the little things in life, it is what can bring you joy. That was a very simple little thing that brought me a little joy for the day. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

Book idea

I've had this on my mind for the last few days and thought to at least write this down. I may need to go to the church book store, but I think I feel that writing a book on my experience as a depressed, lost it all and am working to get it all back church member may give help to others who have been there, or are there now and don't know where to go. I have not always done the right thing, heaven knows I am so far from perfect, I had someone tell me that if it weren't for his wife, he may never make it to the Celestial Kingdom. Yes, I still have my agency, I have my choices I make, yet she is there with me. It will be because of her love, her patience, her knowing that we are an eternal family that as the one book says it, "Odds are, your going to be exalted." I was looking and saw that there are books about depression and the power of the atonement and how it has changed their lives. Maybe there can be a book on someone who lost it all, because of simple yet very serious transgression, and has fought the way to the end. We'll just see what happens.

Get the picture? Yeah thats what it is feeling like today. With us being 22 calls in queue at about 7am to 7:30 I saw that we are going to be very busy today. I will be lucky to have ANY hair left. Save me Calgon, Save ME! No wait, lets go with Toon Town. Go kill the Cogs. Save Toon Town. So if you are interested in seeing what the fun is all about, go to toontown.com. You can sign up for a free account, but you can only go so far. So sign up for the monthly subscription and then come on and have some fun. My name on there is Baron Binky. I am a Laff point 73 bear and my wife is Lila. We are in Donalds Dreamland and working on several tasks. After we get some of those done, we want to go back to Sell Bot HQ and see if we can defeat the boss. So if I am bald this weekend, please forgive me.

Sick and tired of it all

Usually I am a very reasonable person. I don't ask for much, just that others do their jobs. When they don't that's where I get rather pissed off. Case in point. They told us, in training for this job, that we were to only support up to 04 program. The other tier agents have the older programs and can help customers fix the issues they have. That is what they told us. So i get a call today with a 01 program. I call tier 2. the agent told me we no longer support it and there is not help for them. Then he hung up. So I am left to tell the customer that we can't help him. Gee I wonder if the customer feels all warm and fuzzy now that his software company can't help him. I have basically had it with working here. There is NO communication and whats worse is that the floor manager emails everyone trying to create unity and no one listens to him. So I am fed up, pissed off, done with this place. I thought other places had problems. this takes the cake so to speak.
On a lighter note I did find a job that is hiring for a sous cook. It'll be 1.5 less then what I am getting now, but I can do what i love to do. Plus it is full time, and I will have Fri and sat off. It will stink for church, but sometimes you need to change things up and have to sacrifice something for something. Maybe I can talk to them to get out early to make it to church, but you never know. I can always put in the extra hours on another day just to make sure stuff gets done. So we will see. Or I may see if I can get back with Winegars as a baker again. Who knows. I am just sick and tired of being told one thing then get bitched out when I do it and then told something else. I know for dang sure I am not going to go to HRBlock to get my taxes done when there are so many issues with this program. Just letting you know FYI.

Blessing by blessing

When I was set apart on Sunday and listened to the words that were said, I wondered if I could live up the promises that were said. I found that out last night. Chris has been working back at Godfathers now nearly a month and found out that they are going to open the Clinto store again, under the managment of the mother of the Harrisville store. And Chris will be her assistant manager. She will get her old job back, her pay back, some deliveries, and the chance to help hire the crew. She is bringing back a few of those who did a great job there. Then if by inspiration, my wife asked me, who in the Elders needs a job right now? As long as they don't mind to drive for a little while, we will need a driver the first day. I felt this was an answer to that blessing. There are several in our quorum that need a job, and this oppertunity is a chance for them to get out and support their family. It also helps me understand that if I try to do what I am called to do, the blessings will come. I called my EQP and let him know, and tomorrow he is going to call around and see what we can do. He has been busy this week and so have I, but I feel we need to get this going to bless their lives. I feel right now that it does not matter after the tax season and I do not get hired on full time with Red Gear. The Lord will provide and if I am doing what He has asked me to do, then something will come up and all will be well. There has been times in my life, that I wondered if He did love me. If He knew what I felt, knew what I am going through. He has blessed me in other ways more then I could ever imagine. Someway, somewhere He has blessed me. Step by step, letter by letter, He is molding me again. He is helping me be the person He would have me be. I pray that soon the blessings of the Priesthood and Temple will be disstilled upon my family and I like the dews from heaven.

Sad but still good they are enduring.

I found this today while trolling my hometown newspaper. This Winchells place has been there since who knows when. It was there when my parents went to HS. So to have it still going on, even without the franchise of Winchells, shows that the owner wants to keep up the work there. I remember the rodeo parade days and going and getting a warm doughnut and hot chocolate from there to watch it. Glad he is keeping the memories alive.

Red Bluff shop still serving up doughnuts

Although the sign that's greeted residents and visitors alike for years may be covered, it's business as usual in the doughnut shop underneath at the corner of Oak and Main streets in Red Bluff.
Owner Juan Sustayta said his franchise agreement with Winchell's expired on Nov. 16 and both parties elected not to renew it.
Sustayta is exploring options, including franchise agreements with other companies, but in the meantime the only difference customers may notice is the Winchell's sign and other references have been covered up.
"We're still doing everything the same," he said.
Sustayta took over the location three years ago and was not a part of the initial franchise agreement with Winchell's.
He said part of Winchell's decision was because the Red Bluff store had become isolated after other area franchises went out of business and the company did not want to ship out this far from its headquarters, which is in City of Industry.
Sustayta said he is also expecting to save money by the move. He has had no problems finding new vendors.

What will they think of next?

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=333&sid=5237230

Thought to share this, though I know I am gonna get in trouble. I wonder if they will be serving Seattles Best or Starbucks.....

Essay- Is it ever wrong to do the right thing?

I found this when I got to work this morning and accually filled it out. I am not sure if it will win, but I wanted to do something that I feel is a topic that many of us struggle with. Here is the site: http://www.think-off.org/index.php The following is what I wrote for it.

Is it ever wrong to the do the right thing? I believe that many have asked this in their lives. Rosa Parks may have asked that for years after she sat down on a white bus. Many of our Presidents may have thought that when faced with a moral judgment on many matters that may affect the outcome of history and what they could be remembered for. As for personal experience, there are many times where I had to make a choice. Right or wrong and knew no matter what the outcome, it would affect my life for the rest of my life. On a personal note, was it right for me to place my daughter up for adoption, because of what the state and my ex-wife thought I did. I was questioned, I was put up to some very hard tasks to find out if the choices I had made, were honest and honorable, or I was just a plain old liar. I held fast to the truths I had learned when I grew up. If someone was truly innocent, they would stand the tests that would be thrown at them, and still come out the other side clean. Years down the road, it would be brought back up about the incident, but I would still hold firm to my belief and knowledge that nothing happened to my little girl. Yet I choose to let her go, so that the environment she was now in could help her grow to be a better person. I am not sure if I could ever forgive myself or my ex-wife for making the choice to have her adopted out, and I still wonder what would have happened if I had stayed where I was and continued to fight for my rights to be her father and learn the skills I needed to be a better father and raise her right. Though there would be tests, there would be finger pointing, there would be those who no matter what was proven by the former, would not believe that I never did anything to her. Having thoughts is one thing; acting upon those impulses is another. Hence if we were ever to be arrested for our thoughts, I think there would no room for us all in prison. There are seven deadly sins in the world. No one will ever escape the fact that there is at least one in our lives, and it will prove to our destruction. No one can be perfect; many think they can if they have perfect credit, if they have the best car, the finest house. Did they do the right thing? What makes them better than those of us who work each day, and struggle to pay bills, have a past that haunts them? Do they do the right thing and are ever punished for it? I have seen the Good Samaritan law being pushed aside due to peoples head strong belief that the guilty need to be punished. Is it ever wrong to do the right thing? In some instances yes. In others no. Defining right and wrong should not be left up the ones who hold power over us. It is to be defined as those who make the choice to stand up for what they believe in, have a strong conviction that what they do is the right choice and will affect others in a positive light. I pray one day, when I meet with my daughter after so many years, that when I tell her of the choice I made, she can forgive me and know that I did make the right choice.

Blessing or curse

Last Sunday the EQ Pres pulled me aside and asked if I would accept a calling in EQ for their Perfecting the Saints committee for the quorum. I accepted it and after this morning I wonder if I should have asked to not take the calling. I won't go into details of what happened but I felt I did not belong there in church. But we went anyway and stayed the entire time and after church I waited around for a ride since Chris had to go to work. Now several months ago, I had a break down because I could not find work that I liked, or could do, or whatnot. I was so depressed, I called the EQP and he came over and gave me a blessing. During the setting apart today, the Lord mentioned that and because of that, the struggles I have had with keeping a job, with my health, that accepting the calling and doing the work, I would be healthy, and that I could bless others and help them help themselves. I understood what He meant. I have gone through literal hell. I have been to the bottom, scrapped it, and have carried some back with me. Hence why do I keep sinking back to the bottom. They tell us to endure to the end. The end of what? If you read the verses in "If you could Hie to Kolob." you would understand that there is no end. So why endure to the end, when there is no end? I have endured from September 2, 2001 to now, and I really wonder how much longer I can wait. How much I can endure? When will it end? I tried to talk to my Stake Pres today and ask since it has been 60 days since he sent the paperwork, but he blew me off. I wonder if it really was worth all the effort to get re baptised, fall, pick myself back up, fall again, then pick it up again, all to have the Lord say, I am not worth it. Maybe I am not worth it. It's not depression, it's truth. I do have one thing to say, why do I blog when yes some read it then don't give a crap what is written and not comment. Maybe I just need to forget blogging anymore. Hell why not just slit my wrists, take a drug cocktail to end this miserable life. Why not?

Friday fill-In's

I also saw this on her blog and thought that would be a neat idea to try. So here it goes.

1. The world is just cold
2. "Holy crap I can't finish one case before I get the next call." was the last thing I said.
3. I wonder if it really will snow tonight.
4. Will there be prizes at the end of all things.
5. There's something to be said for not reading the manual.
6. Wrapped up in you is where I want to be.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to hanging at home with Ben, tomorrow my plans include working til 3pm and Sunday, I want to enjoy getting a calling in Elders Quroum.

Some fun questions

I got this from a blog from the sister who got banned from Facebook for her breastfeeding picture. I think the picture is not revealing and very appropriate for what was displayed, but those who get the big money and put up the site have the right to do what they did. But anyway, I was reading in her blogs and saw this and thought to use the questions for my own look back. So enjoy.


What was I doing ten years ago?
- I was living in Bellevue Washington, don't fully remember where I was working, but I do remember going to the Bellevue Tower One, 22nd floor and watching 6 fireworks show simultaneously for new years. THAT, WAS AWESOME!

What was I doing one year ago?
- Probably sleeping, since I was working graveyard for Convergys and spent the new year at work that night.

Five snacks I enjoy:
- Pizza
- Chip & dip
- Hersheys Kisses
- Chips and salsa
- snack crackers

Five songs I know all the words to:
- I am a Child of God
- The First Vision
- Stars (from Les Miserables)
- Anything for Love (Meatloaf)
- The Spirit of God

Five things I like doing:
- reading
- Writing Short stories
- SLEEPING
- Playing on my computer
- Playing RPG's

Five things I will NEVER wear again:
- Spandex (don't ask)
- Garments that are too small (again don't ask)
- Speedos (repeat steps 1 and 2)
- Smokey the Bear suit
- any mascot suit

Five of my bad habits:
- I pop my knuckles
- I get angry fast
- I sometimes feel like I am OCD.
- I don't shave too often
- I don't shower often

Five of my Favorite toys:
- My computer
- My wife (she'll kill me later for this)
- My new DVD's (I love my House MD)
- Our new phone system in our place
- the Wii (had one, then had to return it, since we could not afford the payments on it)

So what's your answers?

What a site

I want to say a few things now that we are in this new year. One thing is, I am so grateful for my wife. The little things she does that I don't fully get to thank her for or appreciate. After I moved here, she told me that if I could find the right spot I could see the Bountiful temple from certain spots in Clearfield. One such place we saw on the Antelope bridge going into Layton one day last month. Then this morning as I was heading into work, taking main street from Layton to the freeway, I could see it clearly as day. A beacon in the dark. I am reminded of the Fireside that happened on New Years Eve from the Conference Center. They now have a new site linked to the churches web site about the new year and what the goal and theme for the year was for the youth. Elder Holland of the 12 was the key note speaker. What a great man and speaker he is. The kids put on a song and dance number named, "Shine the Light." I think this morning I have seen that light. I saw it as I was heading into the driveway of work. Matthew 5:16 reads: '16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.' When i was a boy in Primary we had to memorise a verse a year. My grandmother drilled this one in me. She also taught me and drilled into me the Lord's Prayer. But this one has stuck with me for so many years. I pray that this year, the light of the Lord can shine down upon my family and bless us with His light, so that we can endure, we can have patience beyond what we need, that we can be sealed as an eternal family and accomplish the things the Lord would want us to do. One last message, I remember someone from one of the wards I served in while on my mission. There was a Chiropractor that was just opening his business. In his Patriarchal blessing, it told him that he would work in the shadows of the temples. His business was in the shopping area just below the Seattle Temple. Whether it be light or shadow, the Lord knows us, He knows our need. He does watch over us. He does love us.