Try not, do or do not, there is no try.

Not sure if I ever posted this on here before, but earlier this year, I started a job that I thought I would be doing for some time. First day on the phones, not even half way through my shift, I had a panic attack. And i left my job. Worked elsewhere for a little and then decided to stay home and be a Stay at Home dad, while wife went to work. I began to have panic attacks at home while she was away. It got really bad and I finally went in to see my doctor. Also with the meds I was on, I would have tremors in my hands, arms, head. So doc took me off them and we tried just Tylenol PM to help me sleep. That didn't very well work, so he put me on some different meds that we slowly ramped up until I was at the full strength. It has helped with the panic attacks, I am a little annoyed with simple things, but have had no tremors. Only when I haven't eaten in a while and my blood sugar drops.

So this is what is happening now. I will be starting back at Focus Services, working for their Century Link Business project. Not sure how I am going to handle it, but need to do something to be able to pay for what we have. We need this until we can move to TN next summer. And yes we are going to move there. One way or another. I am hoping any of my resumes I have sent or apps I have filled out will catch someones eyes and they call and offer me a job. Wishful thinking but I know it can happen. And if I am offered a job, I would get out there as soon as possible and work my butt off. Then take a week off to bring my family there.  So we will see.

That is all for now. Need to get some shut eye.

Damned for sure

Ok so it has been a while since my last post. I have just been neglecting this because I never seem to want to do it or make the excuse that I have other things going on and can't make time to blog. Well after reading a few blogs the other day I am going to try and get back doing this. So here is the skinny from Feb to now. Left Courtyard Marriott to work for Convergys on their DirecTv project. Had a panic attack and had to leave. Was able to get my job back with Marriott. In April I walked out, because I didn't do things to my Chefs standard and just didn't want to deal with it. Got a job in June working for Teleperformance for their AT&T project, again lost the job due to a panic attack. Realized I cannot work on the phones. So here I sit again jobless, pennyless, about to lose the car, the house, and everything we have. Oh and US Bank is sueing me for an account that I just let go to the wind. Yeah so my life is screwed up. Again. I just can't break the cycle. It goes good for a while then I have to muck it up. I have thought on more than once to end my life. I just bring disappointment to everyone and myself. It is so true, you are the hardest person to deal with. So I am going to try again, something I tried to do when I was with Kim. Truck driving.

Its not a good plan, nor perfect, and who knows what will happen, the only thing I see is getting my CDL back, adding a passenger endorsement on there and going from there. If I can deal with being away from my family then this will be a good thing. Everyday I am hot, then cold. I am always thinking of the bad that can happen, then I turn around the talk about the good that can come from this. The company I am going with is CR England. They have a great school and reputation for training good drivers and the good thing is I can get a team driving job with them, so I am not driving solo. So if I can survive the one year I need to stay with them, then we can move to Tennessee next summer and I will look for driving jobs there. At least with a bus. The thing is just getting my CDL, getting on with a trainer, and staying working with them, until next year. It will be hard to be gone 3-4 weeks out at a time, but I will have my phone, my laptop, and will be able to communicate with the family on a daily basis.

So I ask for prayers for me, that I can do this, and for my family for their safety and comfort while I am gone. I think next week I am going to go up to the temple and do a session and spend some time there. I need that comfort. I need that reassurance from the Holy Spirit that this is the right thing to do to get us out of our issues and get back on track.

On some good notes, I was able to finish the Book of Mormon by the end date I set. And restarted it again in May. I am to finish it on Aug 31, but I am so far behind. I am supposed to be in Alma and I just got to Mosiah. I have no excuse but that I am lazy. I did catch up before and will do it again. I just need to set aside some time each day to read and get it done.

Well that is all for now. Goodnight.

I give up

I know what they say, if you have offended someone try to make it right by apologizing, and do what you can to make it right. I did that. I bashed a friend and his girlfriend on Facebook. I just did not care for her and she knew it, but I went a step too far and bashed her and her boyfriend while someone was looking to find a group to play with. I just could not shut my mouth and with that a few months later, I went back to swallow my pride and make it right, but I burned the bridge too much that there was no going back. So I give up. I guess some people can only take so much from me until they say enough is enough. And because of this, I lose the friend, the group I gamed with, and probably my respect.

Why do I do this? So today while I was at work, I was talking to myself(I tend to do it a lot), I decided that I am going to just lock people out, not get involved, not let anyone get close enough to burn their trust, bridge, or respect. I know what they say that we should forgive 7 times 70 but I guess when we get past the point of no return there is no more return. And I can't say I can't blame them. So i told them I understood and am locking everyone out.

I will be going to church, do my calling, but just not let anyone in anymore. I am also closing my Facebook page for a while. i just need some solitude and time to decide what to do next. This I know will piss off a lot of others who have gotten close and know me, but I just can't risk losing anyone else. While I was on my mission, we had our mission bible and it told us to lock our hearts. So this is what I will do. So sick of myself. Maybe I should just ignore myself. Or just end it all.

Challenge update and other stuff

I need to be more vigilant about how I am doing with my reading and reporting it. A few days ago I was not able to finish my reading for the night but tried to make up for it last night. I was one chapter shy of finishing it and catching up. Well tonight if I do it right I will be caught up and ready to read the next 5 tomorrow. I am already in 2nd Nephi and getting ready to head into the Isaiah chapters. There has been a few things that I picked up when I have been reading. Stuff i had either forgotten or just passed over when reading before. Can't think of something specific, but I did love hearing the psalm of Nephi in Chapter 4. After all that I have been through in my life and the hardship I went through to have my blessings restored I can see why Nephi wrote this. Most days I feel that I am not worthy to have had this done and that I may not measure up to being in the Celestial Kingdom. I'd be lucky to make the Terrestial or Telestial. I even wonder if I will be let out of outer darkness. But who knows. God is funny sometimes.

I know that because of my reading I have been able to get up to go to work and enjoy my time there. My boss has even noticed that I have been happier and being a fun person to be with. It has been so nice to read at night and then have that feeling when I go to work. As for work, I am off for the next few days, since I have worked for the last 9 days straight. Mind you they have been short hours except for Sat and Sun which were full days. But the occupancy of the hotel was really high this week. So I got to come back and help. Since the boss is not going to hire anyone else and the one we have works during the week, so we are left just the two of us doing the job. Oh well, more money for me.

Good thing today was after work, got to spend some time at home and relax, then went to my son Ben IEP set up for school. He will be in preschool this semester and get some help with his speech. He will be going Tue-Thurs 1:30-3:30pm. So he will have some fun and we will miss him here, but he needs the help and we are doing what we can to help but he needs special help. So that will be good for him and us. It means our moving plans will be moved back to this summer, and I guess we'll just have to deal with it.

On a funner note, we got a Xbox 360 from Rent A Center. Wasn't really gonna buy it, but what the heck. we will have the car paid off soon and we can put the money for that in this and get it paid off as soon as we can. we could get it paid off before we move to Tennessee and have 3 fun systems to play with. It is the super package deal. Has one game, kinect, and a 250gb hard drive. Got to play it a little and it was fun. Got me moving and may help us get in shape. Now got to go looking for new games for it. And maybe try some internet stuff on it. We shall see. So that's the life of us going on now.

A challenged accepted

So for church, this year we are reading The Book of Mormon for Sunday School. Now for one thing, I do have a testimony that the book is true. I am just really bad at reading it daily, having my prayers, yada, yada, yada. Yeah I am one of those, who reads on occasion and prays about the same. Yet I am supposed to be have a great spirit, said by those that have gotten to know me. I can talk the talk but sometimes I need to step up to the plate as it were and do the right thing. I did so to have my blessings restored, take Chris to the temple, have us sealed as a family for all time and eternity. Accept a calling that is rather small and minor, but have great friends who have taken over for me while I was at work until I could fulfill it. And so now this is what it comes down too.

We had a speaker in our ward on Sunday, yes a High Councilman who gave a challenge to read The Book of Mormon and to really study it. While in SS, our teacher read the account Lehi shared about his dream. And something caught my eye. Those who clung tightly to the rod of iron, those who held on to it and then left the tree, and then those who pressed forward with faith and enjoyed the fruits of their labor. It was with the ones who clung tightly to the rod that moved me. I have held it tightly since I was a child, until I tasted the fruit, and left it to go to divers paths and my own way. I found the rod many times, but never held fast to it and went forward.

It was when it really meant anything that I held fast and moved forward with faith. That was all I needed to have it all done. But I still cling to the rod. Until yesterday. I picked up my mom's scriptures that she had and commenced my reading. I made a choice and a promise to the Lord and myself to read five chapters a day. No matter what, I will read it. And if I get behind I will continue to read. I will not stop. I will not let myself just cling to the rod anymore. I know its true, why don't I prove it to the Lord and let the blessings flow as He would want to bless us.

Then after I have spent some time working with myself, then it will be up to me to start doing what I need to do for my family. Have scripture reading time, and family prayer time. As the scriptures say, little by little, here a bit there a bit. And once we are doing it, we will be doing all the Lord has asked us to do. Plus if we can find baby sitters every month so we can attend the temple and do what we promised ourselves we would do when all of it was restored. We won't be able to see all the temples here in Utah(one of our goals) but at least we have been to a few and we have enjoyed our time there.

So with that, I am happy to report I have done my reading for today. And it was good. So until later, God be with you.