I posted this in a contest for a site I am on for writing short stories. I wanted to share this here as a reminder, that life is what we make of it. I am out of that depressed mood. I do have my days, but they are so much better than they were before. This was the darkest time in my life. I hope you can read from it and glean or learn from it as I have.
"Where shall I begin? My life has been full of ups and downs, but the most down I have ever felt and have been the closest to losing it all was when my mom died last year. I had just gotten home from work, some friends from my church showed up at my home when I got home. My wife sat me down and told me what had happened after she got home herself from running errands all afternoon. She got home, opened the front door to our place when this card went flying through the air off the door. It was a business card for an officer of the local police station. My wife was a little concerned and she called them back as soon as she got things settled. They were calling to inform me, that my mom was in the hospital in Salem, OR and not expected to live long and that I needed to get there soon. This was the message I got when i got home. To this day I hardly remember the trip to there and back. That was on a Tuesday. We were able to fly out on Friday morning and rent a car to get there.
She had been on life support ever since. Dad was a wreck. He had no idea how to deal with this. My dad is disabled and mom had been his helper for all of his adult life. We had a family meeting and decided what to do. We talked to the doctors and nurses too and found out there is no way she would ever walk out of this place and live long enough to know what is going on. She had tubes all over her body giving her oxygen, food, fluids, drugs, you name it she was on it. They showed us an x-ray of her heart. It covered the entire screen. It was barely functioning. She did respond to voices, but even then I knew she was too far gone and that God had to take her home soon. We made the choice to take her off life support. And when I told her this, she looked at me and understood what i was saying and knew what was going to happen.
The nurses asked us for about 30 minutes to unhook her and clean her up a bit. When we came back, she was breathing on her own, but it was so ragged and hard, we thought anytime now. She lasted through the night with her sister by her side. I didn't sleep a wink. Saturday came and they moved her and us to the cancer ward so we could have a little more privacy. About an hour after her move, is when she passed. My wife was the one who saw her take her last breath. We knew she was gone. The nurse and doctor confirmed it. The funeral was a few days later and it was nice. Per her wishes, she was cremated and we have her with us now.
We brought my dad back to Utah to live with us, but that was getting too hard with him, and our two little boys, it was just too much, so we put dad in a nursing home for a few months until we could get him into assisted living. I was just so numb from all of this. I just could not feel, I could not love myself, my wife, my kids, my life, my job nothing. I quit going to counseling because I could not see an help or end to the suffering I was in. I hardly slept, eat, or did anything. I was angry, hurt, depressed, mad, vengeful, spiteful, I lost some good friends because of my actions. I cursed God, I was mean to my wife,mean to my kids. I hated life and myself. I felt that I had just turned my soul to the devil. I was in such a hole, I wished the mountains and earth would cover me up and then the earth would spin off its axis and hurtle towards the sun and kill us all. I attempted to commit suicide several times by ODing my pills. Or cutting myself, or hitting myself over and over. The final break down for me was when my wife and I fought over money and I bite her on the arm as she was calling for help. Then I kicked her in the leg after she got off the phone.
I spent the night in jail, charged with Domestic Violence and DV in the presence of a child. I almost lost it all. To this day I am still paying for my idiocy. Some days I wish I had died with her. Some days, dead is better."
"Where shall I begin? My life has been full of ups and downs, but the most down I have ever felt and have been the closest to losing it all was when my mom died last year. I had just gotten home from work, some friends from my church showed up at my home when I got home. My wife sat me down and told me what had happened after she got home herself from running errands all afternoon. She got home, opened the front door to our place when this card went flying through the air off the door. It was a business card for an officer of the local police station. My wife was a little concerned and she called them back as soon as she got things settled. They were calling to inform me, that my mom was in the hospital in Salem, OR and not expected to live long and that I needed to get there soon. This was the message I got when i got home. To this day I hardly remember the trip to there and back. That was on a Tuesday. We were able to fly out on Friday morning and rent a car to get there.
She had been on life support ever since. Dad was a wreck. He had no idea how to deal with this. My dad is disabled and mom had been his helper for all of his adult life. We had a family meeting and decided what to do. We talked to the doctors and nurses too and found out there is no way she would ever walk out of this place and live long enough to know what is going on. She had tubes all over her body giving her oxygen, food, fluids, drugs, you name it she was on it. They showed us an x-ray of her heart. It covered the entire screen. It was barely functioning. She did respond to voices, but even then I knew she was too far gone and that God had to take her home soon. We made the choice to take her off life support. And when I told her this, she looked at me and understood what i was saying and knew what was going to happen.
The nurses asked us for about 30 minutes to unhook her and clean her up a bit. When we came back, she was breathing on her own, but it was so ragged and hard, we thought anytime now. She lasted through the night with her sister by her side. I didn't sleep a wink. Saturday came and they moved her and us to the cancer ward so we could have a little more privacy. About an hour after her move, is when she passed. My wife was the one who saw her take her last breath. We knew she was gone. The nurse and doctor confirmed it. The funeral was a few days later and it was nice. Per her wishes, she was cremated and we have her with us now.
We brought my dad back to Utah to live with us, but that was getting too hard with him, and our two little boys, it was just too much, so we put dad in a nursing home for a few months until we could get him into assisted living. I was just so numb from all of this. I just could not feel, I could not love myself, my wife, my kids, my life, my job nothing. I quit going to counseling because I could not see an help or end to the suffering I was in. I hardly slept, eat, or did anything. I was angry, hurt, depressed, mad, vengeful, spiteful, I lost some good friends because of my actions. I cursed God, I was mean to my wife,mean to my kids. I hated life and myself. I felt that I had just turned my soul to the devil. I was in such a hole, I wished the mountains and earth would cover me up and then the earth would spin off its axis and hurtle towards the sun and kill us all. I attempted to commit suicide several times by ODing my pills. Or cutting myself, or hitting myself over and over. The final break down for me was when my wife and I fought over money and I bite her on the arm as she was calling for help. Then I kicked her in the leg after she got off the phone.
I spent the night in jail, charged with Domestic Violence and DV in the presence of a child. I almost lost it all. To this day I am still paying for my idiocy. Some days I wish I had died with her. Some days, dead is better."
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