Wild random thoughts

I went to bed last night with my mind in "on" mode and it wouldn't shut off. If i would have come out here and blogged about it I would catch hell for being on the computer. But I just could not shut it down or off. I had to let it just run through the many thoughts and wear itself down. That was somewhere around 11:30pm(mst). We went to bed around 10pm. There is a lot I can share that I do remember but I am worried what it will mean when I share it. But this is my blog and my thoughts and I am allowed to be weird, be strange, and be me. So hear goes.

As I said I remember some of it and most of the good stuff I wanted to put down is gone, but who knows what might pop up again. I was thinking about what went on this last weekend. We picked up my step son from his scout service project and headed over to my in-laws because my MIL sisters husband had brought some clothes from his son that he could no longer wear here to Utah when he had a stop through with his job and wanted to see if Z could use some of the clothes. No big deal, I figured we'd be there around 2 hours and I guess I can deal with my in-laws home and them for the short time there. Plus put in a plug for what I need/want for Christmas. Now to understand a little bit here, my in-laws and I do not get along with each other. We tolerate each other and can be nice if the situation calls for it. This was one of the rare moments that does happen. Some may call it a love-hate relationship. We love to hate each other. OK got the picture now, OK lets move on. My youngest step kid D had a bad night Friday. He had a dream where he was watching my oldest son(who is turning 3 in Dec) and had let him out to play or something like that. He had turned his back or went inside for something and he said that B ran into the road and was killed. Yeah that disturbed me a LOT. When he stays with us on the weekends while his grandparents go to work that night on Sunday he and Z usually get up and take care of my boys so that Chris and I can get a little extra sleep. Or until we have to race to get ready for church. So to hear that, yeah it freaked me out a bit.

Now with that in mind, I knew that that would not happen. But its the what ifs that get ya. And I was OK until Chris got the call that she was needed to deliver papers that night. And she would be taking her oldest with her(Z). So that would mean no sleep for me now that D would be the one getting the younger ones up and stuff like that. So that night I didn't sleep all that well. Sunday morning came and I was really wondering where Chris was. Usually she gets home around 6am on a good night. 9am passed and not a single word. 9:30 rolled around and I look out the window to see a tow truck bringing in my van. It overheated at about 3:20 and the others on the team had to finish the route and they were able to get the van home, give Z and Chris a ride home and now we have the daunting task of trying to get it fixed. So now that is on my mind too.

But I remembered a little more of what I wanted to share last night. This year has really dumped a lot of pain on me and my family. First finding out my mom was going to die. And scrambling to get to Oregon before she passed. To later on after the funeral, bringing my dad here to Utah, to going into the deepest depression I have ever been in. I thought about death every day. I was angry, hurt, and just about every emotion you could possibly think of. I went to church but I didn't care. I tried to go look for work, but didn't really want too. I took my moms death as a sign that I really was worth nothing. That was like the other killers in prison. I had no hope, no care for anything, no future to look forward too. I was simply living to die. Until one night, Chris was either at work or elsewhere, and JJ was just fit to be tied. He would not stop crying for nothing. I took him in our room laid him on the bed and changed his diaper. I was at my breaking point and didn't know what to do. And he just stopped, looked up at me with those eyes that are so loving and comforting. And I knew right then and there, my mom was watching over me, through him. I couldn't stop the tears. He just smiled at me and I held him for so long after that. My son saved me from what could possibly be the biggest mistake I could have ever made. I still need to be reminded of how much he needs me, my family needs me, but it was his love and my mother who broke the spell. It brought me out of the dark pit I placed myself in. I still had a way to go, but JJ

Wow, that was a lot to say. Because of that experience, when I got the call from my aunt in June that my uncle was dying, I could cry. I could mourn for him and his family. And I could also mourn more for my loss with my mom. I could feel again. Sometimes I wonder if that is a good thing. But in my case it is good to feel something instead of feeling alone, lost and no where to go. In October, we haven't yet we have been trying to have another baby. We had just decided that if it was in Gods plan that we be given the blessing of another child in our life that it will be up to Him to choose. Now Chris is pretty good when it comes time to mark the calendar of when she starts and all that, so we knew the time was coming up. The time passed and nothing. Not even a hint. So we waited for a few more days. Bought a few home tests, just to be sure that we weren't getting our hopes up too much, but just in case. So she takes it. Very clear what the answer was. Not to be too hasty, we went down to the Dr's office to have it confirmed. Sure enough, when they brought out the paper and a box of pre-natals, we knew it had to be true. We got out into the van, and I began to break down. Chris was concerned and asked what the matter was. I simply said, "After the hell we have been through this year, this is the only good news we have had. I am very happy." I am going to be a daddy again. Growing up being an only child, I wanted nothing more then to have children that would never know what being lonely is like. Though I do have the regret of my first born. Having to place her for adoption was one of the hardest things I thought I would ever had to do. And then there are those friends I have out there that have had to do the same thing. Yes it was hard, yes there is a lot of pain, and not a day goes by where I don't think about them, or wish I had done something different. But i know they are OK. They will one day hopefully find me and ask me the what, where, why, when and hows of not being with them their life, and I won't have all the answers, but I pray that we can find them together and be a family again.

Well that is all for tonight. If I ever have another night like that, I am forgetting sleep and going to write it down and get it out. I know many authors who can't sleep until they write down their thoughts and get it out before they can find that peace of mind they so need to sleep. Hope I can find mine tonight.