Still in trouble

So after a wonderfully sad weekend, we start off this week with a visit to my doctor. The edema is still there and getting worse. So change of meds, push IHC Home Care to get me something Medicaid will pay for and then try to rest my foot since I kicked something I wasn't supposed too last Thursday and hurt my foot and it finally begins to hurt on Tuesday, really bad. I had to take a Lortab 5 to get to sleep last night since it hurt so bad. My ankles look like a couple of puffer fish attached to my legs, which look more like fat turkey legs. Yeah its that bad. Home Care said MC will pay for TED stockings which are like compression stockings only you wear them at night and it helps the swelling at night. They are so funny to put on and I see now why women have so much trouble with nylons that go to their thighs. Yeah these go up to my thighs. They are tight to get on and a pain but they did help the one leg. I had to take it off the right leg due to the foot incident. Today it hasn't hurt as much and we did have a good amount of things to get done today and it hurts right now but not like yesterday. We will see what happens when I go to bed.

Also this week we began the task of cleaning the shed out of my parents stuff in the totes. I had to stop many times because of things my mom had, pictures I hadn't seen in years, things that i knew my parents had that my dad may want to keep to remind him of the love he has for mom. My mom had a cow collection of figurines. We picked out a few that we will give to our boys, my daughter Emma and my dad. There are also a few things we are saving like a few of dads beer steins. Yes you read that right. Beer steins. My dad collected them. He had many from all over the world. Many were from Germany. So we are keeping some and the rest are going to the DI. We also are going through their VHS movies they had. That's a chore in and of itself. They have been collecting those since we had our first VCR, back in the 80's. Our first movie we rented and watched on the old battle axe top loading VCR, was Raiders of the Lost Ark. We didn't know what tracking was at the time and thought there was a problem with the tape. We returned it and when we told the guy at the counter what was going on with it, he put it in a VCR there and then showed us the tracking feature. He let us have the tape again for the night and we found the tracking and had a great movie night. Then I learned you could hook up two VCR's and record on one while the other plays. Spent many nights at friends homes duping tapes. Did an all nighter at one place copying Sho-Gun and Tai-Pan. We were still up at 7am when the movies finished. Longest night ever. But fun.

Well I am done for now. I am on Lasix and potassium pills along with my other BP meds. So we will see and hope this helps my legs. I need to get back to work and my councilor so I can get my life back in order. I am hoping in a month or two Greyhound will be hiring for drivers here in SLC. If I can get my CDL and passenger endorsements, I can drive bus for the school district during the year and GH in the summer. Both would help out a lot. So that's it for now. Thanks for listening.

Its not fair

Apparently, no matter what we try to do, something always comes up. Not clear enough? Let me see if I can move some of the yuck and get a better understanding for you. We want to have another child. My health is now in the way. I am lucky to be able to walk when I am able to get up, since my leg hurts so much. I can take Tylenol, Motrin, and it does somewhat good, but not enough. So in order for us to be able to make the baby, I need to not hurt and all that. Chris is discouraged, I am too, yet we want another one bad. Seeing my friend from my mission adopt a baby from California, and see that cute little face, its hard not to just shut down blogger or not follow their blog. I am sure someone is going to say, its not the right time if things are getting in the way. There is only one person who can get in the way of letting good things happen. He may not ever show his face in daylight ever again, as he did with Joseph, but he does delight in making people drown in their misery. I have worked too long and too hard for my health to now become an issue with the chance of being a father to another wonderful spirit from HF. I still have my bouts of depression, I think we all do. But it was nothing like before. I was in so much pain, so much misery, I just wished the rocks would pile on me and hide me from the light, or just bury myself in a hole so deep, no one could hear if I breathed or not. Yeah pretty scary stuff. I would watch Saw movies and relish in the sickness and pain of the persons who created the movies. Death became me. Death was me. I was death. I made life miserable. I made others miserable. I even pissed off some of the most helpful friends I have ever had. I still don't hear from them and that is their choice. We all have to make choices. We all have to make sacrifices so that other things or persons can be taken care of. I even sent them a message asking for their forgiveness. Their answer, we'll call you and talk to you. That was over a month ago. Handed me excuses why they couldn't call or stop by or anything. So i told them whatever. I did what I had to do. I had to ask. If i didn't, then the condemnation would lie on me only. I did my part. Well enough said, I am hoping I can make it to Church and back tomorrow. If my legs will carry me, and I can walk, I will make it. If not, I think I can just sit back and relax and maybe work on my articles I am working on for this site I am writing on. www.Allvoices.com. It is a community of writers from all over the globe, publishing stories from the net in their own words and language sharing their opinions and ideas with the rest of the world. So far I am doing well. I think I am still behind the curve, but there is room for improvement. I am still looking for some more fans to add to my fan base. All you have to do is sign up and then rate my stories as I publish them. Just visiting the articles and rating them help improve my overall score and sets me up for a promotion and a pay raise. Yes I do get paid for this. It is based on per 1000 visits and cumulative score, based on participation, reputation and promotion. I am tweeting and posting the stories on FB, just so if you are interested, you can see them. When you visit the articles, they will show how many have visited the article. And signing up and rating them helps me improve on the stories and boosts my score. So if my score reaches the min 50 before the end of the month, and I get 1000 page views, I will get a $100 check mailed to me the following month. I have to meet certain metrics if I am to get paid at any level. So if I get a score from 50-64 by the end of the month I will get paid per 1000 visits, $1.50. So if I get 62 score, and 12000 visits, that will be $180. $100 of it will be paid to me, and the other $80 will be carried over to the next month. So the next month I get a score of 64. 24000 page visits. My pay will be: $360. 80 will be added to that, so I will be paid $400 and that carry over will be $40. So it is a very nice system and I am just going for broke here by saying what I'd like to get a page visits and base score from the beginning. The metrics for your score can go higher to getting $3 per 1000 page visits. So we will see in the coming months. At least I can contribute and help pay for stuff and have this money as a backup. Well that's all for tonight.

I think I found my calling

Yes you heard that correctly. I have been seeing for a few weeks this ad on FB for writers and bloggers. SO I went and checked it out. It is a company on the web for contributing writers to write their local news, and some personal news. You do get paid for it and I know it will be a few months before I get anything but I am enjoying writing and sharing my views on things. I have been posting them in the lifestyles and human interest categories. But I think I have found something I could really do. Find things that interest me and write about it. Share the info with the rest of the world and get paid for it. Maybe if I can build a reputation, rewrite my resume and go apply for the local paper here. I may have to write a few articles a week, but what else do I do when I am home alone, and have the Internet I can get the info out to my editor and have it published. I remember in HS I took a few summer school classes, and one of them was a Photography class. We had to go and take pictures and learn how to develop the film then at the end of the class we wrote up articles to the pictures and that became the first edition for the school year paper. It was a lot of fun and I learned a lot. So we will see what comes out of this. My first article was on my blog I created a few days ago.  Man vs cross stitch. I had 22 views and 50% of it came from USA. The rest from other places. Today I posted an article of a Girl Scout who is a local that is getting some great honours because she wants to start a club on her HS campus for Math Engineering Science Association. MESA. Chris is a girl scout, though she does not do much now as she was banned for some stupid parents who just had nothing better to do than complain. But she is still a life member and now as a parent she can make complaints on other parents. So it all works out. And the fact that Mary will be in TX this next year, it will be hard for her to not want to help her leader she had as a kid and still be involved even though her daughter is not here. So we will see what happens there. Well for now I am going to go enjoy the silence for a little bit longer. Laters.

Oh BTW, I did get approved to be a Jr Companion to an Elder and have a HT route and be the EQ caller to get HT done. Getting closer to being where I need to be. Plus Chris and I are planning on being sealed on our anniversary this year. August 18, 2010. It will be our three year. What a great day to do it. Hoping to have my blessings restored a few weeks before hand. At the rate we are going, it feels right. I hope the Lord feels it is right too.

Problem detected and going to get fixed

Went to see my doctor this morning to see why my legs have swelled. He did some pressure and movement and than says that it is probably due to the new med he put me on a few months ago. So he is taking me off that one, putting me on another and adding compression stockings to the legs to wear throughout the day and come back in a month to see how they are. Plus my BP was good and my weight went up due to the water gain. So not too happy but at least we know what is going on now. So hopefully with the new med and the stockings I should be back to normal(what is that?) hopefully soon. The only other thing we could do is add a diuretic to flush out the system. So if this doesn't work we will go that way.

Slump improved

Yes you see and hear it. Just got a call from my wifes work saying she isn't fired but a part time position has opened up and they want her there. So after she goes to see the Bishop she will be on her way to work. And then she will get her part time schedule and continue to work for the Census and all is well again. The bad thing is still my back and legs. While Chris and the boys were gone to church, I just bared my teeth and got through the pain to start the laundry, dishes, remake our bed, and have lunch ready for when they got home. Ran to the bank to get the money out to pay our tithing, and when I got back that's when we got the call. I will say it was a sign and blessing from HF that He is watching out for us and knows what is going on. Chris even bore her testimony in Sacrament today. She is growing so much more than I am. Some days I feel unworthy to be her husband and wish she could be happier elsewhere, but then there are the days we are working and doing things together that bless us both. I think HF wants us to make that goal this year to make it to the temple. Yeah we will still have issues, we will still have walls to climb, whatever metaphor you choose to use, we will make it. We got this far on duct tape and super glue, lets see how much more longer it will hold. until it is replaced but the Holy Seal of Promise spoken of by Joseph Smith in the D&C.

Slump

I guess it would happen again. I am in a slump again where I care little for anything again. My back hurts, my leg has swelled(not sure why) can't do anything without help. I am just a burden to my family and the church again. Chris lost her job due to taking yesterday off without permission because she wanted to see her kids off and she had put in for the time off and they denied her. So she asked if I would be mad if she "quit" this job. She has been stressed out with it, had to go to the ER last week while at work, then the kids getting taken by her mom again, and more threats from her mom, plus my problems, it all ganged up on her and she just had to let something go. The money was good, but the headache and heartache around it was not worth it. Win-Co is opening a new store in Roy and she will be going there tomorrow to apply. I have been seeing the ad for Winegars for a baker again, but not sure because of my problems if they would take me or think I was a risk to them. All I know for one thing, we may never get the chance to go to the temple. I won't be getting my blessings back and if the Bishop keeps pressuring me into saying that I have to step up and take them to the temple or they will be damned, I am just going to tell him to ex me. I don't need the pressure from him saying my family is damned because of me. I can't please all the people all the time. There is a breaking point in me where I have to say enough is enough. I may be dis-fellowshipped for speaking like this and I don't care. He needs to read the 121 section for the D&C where it says near the end not to force people into doing things they can't do. He may say he has love behind it, but it doesn't show. Yeah i know what your thinking(oh really now, he can read my mind here) I am finding ways to blame the church. I am not doing that at all, I am simply pointing out the facts that because I am no good to the church, I am no good to the Lord. That's how I am reading it. It may be so.There may be no real purpose for me to be here on this earth than to take up space and waste the Lords time. "Saved by grace, after all we can" I think that's more horse pucky then everyone says it is. I've done all I can. Why can't pick up some? It will be 9 years since I was rebaptised into the church in September. I am wondering if it was worth it.

P.S. I have deactivated my account of FB. I guess I am just sick of it period. I need to find better things to do than waste time on there. Maybe I will finish up my cross stitch I started on for Jacob. Maybe finish a few books I have started last year and need to finish. I know I will need to blog more to be able to get my feelings out.