Quilt of Holes

As I faced my Maker at the last judgment, I knelt before the Lord along with all the other souls.

Before each of us laid our lives like the squares of a quilt in many piles; an angel sat before each of us sewing our quilt squares together into a tapestry that is our life.

But as my angel took each piece of cloth off the pile, I noticed how ragged and empty each of my squares was. They were filled with giant holes. Each square was labeled with a part of my life that had been difficult, the challenges and temptations I was faced with in every day life. I saw hardships that I endured, which were the largest holes of all.

I glanced around me. Nobody else had such squares. Other than a tiny hole here and there, the other tapestries were filled with rich color and the bright hues of worldly fortune. I gazed upon my own life and was disheartened.

My angel was sewing the ragged pieces of cloth together, threadbare and empty, like binding air.

Finally the time came when each life was to be displayed, held up to the light, the scrutiny of truth. The others rose; each in turn, holding up their tapestries. So filled their lives had been. My angel looked upon me, and nodded for me to rise.

My gaze dropped to the ground in shame. I hadn't had all the earthly fortunes. I had love in my life, and laughter. But there had also been trials of illness, and wealth, and false accusations that took from me my world, as I knew it. I had to start over many times. I often struggled with the temptation to quit, only to somehow muster the strength to pick up and begin again. I spent many nights on my knees in prayer, asking for help and guidance in my life. I had often been held up to ridicule, which I endured painfully, each time offering it up to the Father in hopes that I would not melt within my skin beneath the judgmental gaze of those who unfairly judged me.

And now, I had to face the truth. My life was what it was, and I had to accept it for what it was.

I rose and slowly lifted the combined squares of my life to the light.

An awe-filled gasp filled the air. I gazed around at the others who stared at me with wide eyes. Then, I looked upon the tapestry before me. Light flooded the many holes, creating an image, the face of Christ. Then our Lord stood before me, with warmth and love in His eyes. He said, 'Every time you gave over your life to Me, it became My life, My hardships, and My struggles. Each point of light in your life is when you stepped aside and let Me shine through, until there was more of Me than there was of you.'

May all our quilts be threadbare and worn, allowing Christ to shine through!

God determines who walks into your life....It's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.

When there is nothing left but God, that is when you find out that God is all you need.

Prayers are answered

Yep, just as it says. I am back to being a full member of the Church of Jesus Christ, of Latter-Day Saints. Now its on to writing the 1st Presidency of the church to have my blessings restored. That will take a little of time, but who knows, could be right away, could be months, could be another year, who knows. All I know that after seven long years, it is finally going somewhere it needs to be. Its been over 10 years since the last time I stepped into a temple to do work for the dead. It was 2006 i was able to go to the Sacramento Temple and see my first open house. In March of next year, there will be the open house for the Draper Temple. I am hoping Chris and I can go there to visit it. Maybe by then I will have all my blessings restored and we can do a Utah temple trip and visit them all, take pictures, and go through a session in all of them. That would be a really neat goal to do for the 09 or 2010 year goals. So we will see. We are planning on being sealed in the Bountiful Temple. We got to go by it earlier this year when there was some snow on the ground. We took some really nice pictures. I need to post them someday. When we go back up, we will take more and post them. Well that all for today. Nighty night.

Better week, I think...

As it says, it has been a better week. I don't remember much about earlier, but at least Thursday my interview with Red Gear went better then I thought it ever could dream of. I got in there, had to do a technical testing to see where I was in my technical application. They were looking for scores of 45-80. I got a 55. Then after that, I filled out the app, then had my interview. That went very well. Red Gear is using a Staffing agency to help get them employees that would be good for the company. So a lady from the staffing agency did the interview while the head guys from RG sat back and listened. They liked what they heard and I answered every question perfectly or to their specifics. So I start on Oct 6th. It will be a Mon-Fri 8-5 job until tax season. RG takes care of all of H&R Block tech stuff for their software. So we get to deal with their customers and help them fix things that they can't fix. So it should be a lot of fun. With working for a temp agency I will be getting paid weekly which will help us out a lot. We will always have money in the account to get bills paid, gas in the tank and a little saved over to go do some fun stuff on the weekends. I feel blessed and thankful to my HF to lead me there and help me during this time I have been so negative, self destructive, and selfish.
I am not sure if I should but I began to watch the last few speakers for the Relief Society Conference that happened today. The first councilor talked about the blessings of the temple and how it helps marriages and not only the dead, but the living. The second councilor talked about the RS and how it came about. Then President Uchdorf concluded it and the words he had to share with the sisters, I felt they were for me too. On Sunday is my PH court with my Bishopic. If all goes well, I will have my membership back, and we can start on the paperwork to send to the 1st Presidency and hopefully have my blessings back soon. We shall see. I am going to put it in the Lords hand. So far He has had me in His hands this week. I know He is watching out for me, and knows who I am and what I can become. I hope I can live up to that and do what He would want me to do. Thats all for now.

Long thoughts

I have issues, I have anger, I have depression. I need help. These are things I know. My wife told me last night that she had lost her faith. I had my Home teacher come by yesterday morning before Church and tell me I have it in me to pull out of where I am and be the PH he see's in me. He read a little of the lesson in a week or so about going through trials and that no matter what, the Lord gave them to me and if I relied fully on Him, I could wade through it all and make it to the other side a much better person. I have so many issues that it is hard to try to feel them one at a time. They seem to just pile on and plague me until I burst. Then I not only hurt myself I hurt the one who has been on my side the entire time. The one who loves me and believes in me. My wife. Yet she broke down last night and told me that when I told her that I wanted to have my records removed, she was going to follow me. Now it was my turn to listen. To hold her, to comfort her, and tell her that it was going to be ok. Satan is doing everything he can to fight this, us. We will not be lowered to his level. We will rise above it. Chris wants to have the PH in our home, not just when the missionaries or HT are here, but all the time. And that is what I am going to do. I have a PH court on Sunday, and I am going there ready to answer the questions, share my joy, my life and have an answer to hers and my prayers. A seven year long journey that started with simple steps from a Bishop in Idaho who took the time to sit and listen to me and hear my souls complaint, then challenge me to what I must do to return. I feel when I have reached that goal, to have us married and sealed in the Holy Temple, I will go up there and share the joy with them, who were there to help along the way. What a blessed day it will be to walk in the doors of the temple, with my family and be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. No it will not be easy afterwards to continue, but we will have made it to another point in our lives that we are so needing to be at. Well this is all for now. Life is hard, but we are doing it.

Travian

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My village in at 150/150 and its name is Boom Boom.

Maybe last blog

You know I am not sure why I blog here. No one reads them, no one comments on them. This may be my last one to blog here. Yeah i get to write and get my feelings out and it does make me feel better, but if no one leaves any feedback, when whats the point? I'll keep this open for a little while longer then let it go.

Ben update

Just to let everyone know, Ben was in the hospital last night with dyarea, vomiting, and dehydration. He is home now and doing good.

1/10 of a grain of a mustard seed, is that enough faith?

What can I say about this week. It has been challenging, filled with some joy, filled with peace of finally catching up, filled with knowing you can't be a part of blessing your child while he is sick. It has been a faith filled, hard week. I know it and the Lord knows it. Tuesday we finally got our Federal tax refund in the mail. Only took since April to get it. With it we planned our attack to take care of all the bills to catch up with everything. The house payment is caught up, the lot payment, the car, electricity, gas, phone, payback to Chris' brother for tires he bought for the other car we no longer have. We got things for our place we have been wanting and needing. A bathtub for Ben, a baby monitor to place in his room now that he has his own room. Just the little things we have been needing and wanting we took care of. I wanted to go down to SLC and walk around Temple Square, but gout in my right foot has prevented us from that. We had the oil change on the car, brakes redone, a Cricket cell phone so that Chris can use it for work. We have been blessed by this to get us back on the right path. Thursday night, we were on our way home from Ricky and Melissas' place when Ben threw up in his car seat. We debated whether or not to take him in. When he kept throwing up no matter what we gave him, it was time to take him in. The doctor told us he had that virus going around that if it got worse, or he could not hold anything down, take him in the Davis ER and they would put in an IV to help. Friday he did OK. We just kept on feeding him the Pedialite the Doc prescribed, and we took care of more things. Mainly Chris' payday. Chris also took me into Instacare for my foot. They gave me meds, which helped for a little while and then not. I was in so much pain last night, I was lucky to get any sleep. Ben again threw up and I knew it was time to call in the brethren. I called our HT and shortly later he called back then showed up to bless Ben. It helped me feel better. Then this morning, I fed him the Pedialite and he threw it up again. Chris had to go help her kids with soccer and I was left with Ben. AS I held him, my faith lacking, I prayed to HF to help him ,to cure him to get him through this. As i did this, I feel the calming spirit that all will be well. He will pull through this. I did not want to loose him. I pulled out my scriptures and read to him. I talked to him, I made him feel like the Son I know he is and the father I should be. We came out to the living room and I fed him a little more Pedialite and he laid in my arms while I turned on the TV to just have some noise in the house. He fell asleep in my arms. He was warm this morning, but felt so much better as he slept. He is my only boy, he will carry on the Potter name for me and my dad. I do have other male cousins who can carry the name, but I feel that it is my responsibility to carry the name in the Church. None of my other cousins are members of the church. I just hope I can provide an example to him as he grows up and does not make the same mistakes I did when I was younger. I love my son more then I could ever imagine. He is the future for the family. I am so grateful for a loving HF who listens and answers prayers. Who loves us more then we could ever think. To send down His only Son, to suffer and die for us. So that we may live with Him again. I know He loves me and all His children. I know He lives and loves us.

Last week crap, this week who knows?

Last week I was in such a negitive mood, that when I went to church, I didn't feel a thing. I was driving the spirit right out of me. We just attended Sacrament and then came home. We began to watch Charmed and saw the episode when Piper became a Furie and had to deal with the fact that Prue had left her. It brought back to me my own feelings when I left my daughter. It brought back it all. It helped me greave again and make me feel again. A little later our Home Teacher came by and we sat and talked. It felt so good to just talk to someone who would listen. Someone who has been where I've been. My HT was inactive for many years until his neighbor invited him back to church. He knew it was the right thing to do and it helped him and his family. He is now the 2nd councilor to the Elders Quorum President. It was just so wonderful to invite the spirit back and to be ready to receive it. I know now that I need to get my act together and get it done, to have my PH back and all my blessings and to take this family to the temple to be sealed. I just need to make sure I do it the Lords way.