New Day Dawning

It’s been 87 years since.... Oops wrong movie. Err life. It’s been nearly 4 years since the last time I blogged. I haven't really followed anyone since then and its more of a hassle to write and read other blogs than it is to just do something since Facebook was invented. FB is the new blogger I guess, but its more than that. It’s a window to the world of friends, co-workers, family and former classmates. You can share your opinion and be blasted off the screen by others with differing opinions that are all over the board.

Ok what was my real intent to write. I have concluded to make me be happy, I am going to investigate opening, managing and owning my very own restaurant. Franchised of course. But the idea that I could go back to what I enjoyed and had fun doing is going to take a lot of hard work, not just on my end, but the endless phone calls, emails, letters, proposals and other things I will have to give up, just to live a dream I have always wanted. I did want to have my own bake shop, but to open a Waffle House in SLC that will service the truckers that come in, will be a great help to the community. I know it will be a few years off before I can pull it off, and I have an idea of silent investors who could possibly fund this idea, so we will see.

As on the home front, we have our own apartment in Clinton. Neighbors are a pain in the ass to deal with, so oh well. As of March, I weighed in at 297 lbs. I’m slowly losing the weight. I have diabetes and heart disease so I may not live to see my dream come to light, but that’s life. Take what you can get and live on.

Emotionally Depressed and feeling like a failure

I made a promise to my niece that I would be at her wedding this weekend. And I failed. I am not working, I am falling in old habits again. I need to stop. What the hell is wrong with me? I know I have made and broken little promises, like to my wife and kids, but to someone I knew as a little girl and her mom who I consider my sister. I am ashamed, depressed and mad that I could not live up to that promise I made to them. I cannot even forgive myself. I don't expect them too. I want a better life, but at the expense of leaving behind my wife and kids. I was forced too last time. I do not want to go to that extreme again, but it may turn out that way. I want that champagne life on a beer budget. I can't truck because if I do, then my wife suffers having to deal with the kids, school and DCFS by herself. Yeah I'll bring in money, but at what costs? I just do not know what to do anymore. I fear God does not want to even bother with me, since I don't bother Him anymore. I am done with my rantings.

Update alert

So, has it really been over a year since the last time I blogged? My how time flies, when you're...... Lets just end it there. To much to talk about. To much to share. Life just happens. That's all.

Its finally time.

I am not sure if I want to share this post or not. I was going through some pictures my wife had on her phone. And I stumbled on one that made me cringe when I saw it. It was of me, sitting in a chair at the barber shop. And it sickened me. Is that really me? Do I really look that bad? What on earth am I doing with all that weight? And I came to myself and realized, that is not me. That is not healthy. That just cannot be anymore. And for nearly an hour I searched for the Vet who could not move, was obese too. Then he bought this program and began to change. The doctors say he would never run again. He made them eat their words. I went to the site that has the program and read through everything I could. Then I made the choice to get the middle program. I know I will catch Hell for buying something without asking, but I am not doing this just for me. This is for Emma, Benjamin, Jacob, Phoebe, Chris. I want them to be proud of what I will accomplish with the changes I need to make and be able to be the husband, and father they want me to be. No. The husband and father, I want to be. I want to be able to run and not be weary, To walk and not faint. I want to be the man I am potential to be.

This was me. Last year as I sat and waited for the wife and kids to get their haircuts. 

And so it ends

Ends? What on earth is he talking about. Yes in roughly 1 hour 8 minutes, I will have been off Facebook for an entire week. Did it help me? I am inclined to say no. Did I want to get on it and see what was going on? Slightly. I did get on my wifes account to check with DWS, but that does not count. And yes I even did get on mine to log into DWS, but quickly deactivated my profile again.

Going a week without FB was a challenge I will say. Especially when my wife is reading post of others from her friends list or stuff in random general that she thought was funny. Either way, I have fought the good fight, I have conquered my foe. I have seen the light. I will return to Facebook, but on my own terms.

I may not play the games, I may not be in the groups. But I will be on there to post my dealings with being an OTR truck driver. I will do my best to post pics, videos and other fun things that goes with trucking. I also in the future will be adding ads to try and get some income with my blog. So please click on them if you like and help support this poor dad trying to raise a family and the bread crumbs of life.

So until tomorrow, when I get to my hotel room in beautiful Tacoma, WA I say, "Goodnight and may all the bed bugs bite."

A little off today

So if you can't make fun of yourself, who can you make fun of? Was working on moving the laundry from the washer to the dryer, and had them all in there, and set the timer and hit the start button. It didn't start. I reset the timer and hit the button again. Again it didn't start. I kept hitting the button until my wife suggested to close the door. Yeah, I'm that dumb today.

Then I go even further. I start the next load. Get the soap in, soap booster, go to grab the fabric softener cup..... No cup....... Its in the dryer with the clothes. I forgot to put it back on the bottle when I started the last load. So now its all nice and clean. I finish filling the load and off it goes.

Wife got paid for her Jamberry stuff today and the orders she got last week. So we went and got a few things we needed at the store. Got the Swifter duster and went to town on the ceiling. Its been many years since it has been fully cleaned. Plus dusted off some other places that needed it and we couldn't get with other things. Plus cleaned the inside of the door. This place is beginning to look like it was just bought. Feels nice to have a clean house again. Now its the keeping up on it that will be the test.

So happy to get a job, just nervous I screw it up again. And to head up to Seattle/Tacoma area for training will be heaven to me. I miss being up in Washington, and now I will be heading there many more times. 11 western states regional area. Pulling reefers, so no big deal. It helps me to sleep at night hearing it kick on. The trucks will have an APU, inverter and a fridge. So when I get back and Chris has food stamps, gonna pack up a lot of cold stuff to make on the road. Maybe see if I can get a small microwave and heat up stuff for meals. We'll see. So until tomorrow, this is James, your boring blogger.

Hum drum day

Yes I missed blogging yesterday. I guess either I didn't find time or just forgot. I need to make this a priority sometimes too. Not a lot has happened. Still taking my meds on a regular basis. Still have to raise my voice a few times, but trying hard to not do so. Yet this cold has killed my voice. So sometimes I need to raise it to be heard.

Jacob has walked into class with me each morning this week and that is a big step for him. Hoping this will continue so when he goes to Kindergarten next year, he will just go.

Our home teachers came by Tuesday night and it feels good to have them here. Brother Crandall is someone I can look up to and our Elders Quarum Pres Rosskelly. They are just simple men, with young children and what a blessing they are to us. They challenged us to do family prayer every night before heading to bed. We have done it the last few nights and it has been good. It will be different when I am on the road making my deliveries, but we will work it out. And the issue with going to church will be hard, but as long as Chris goes and the kids go to Primary, we should be ok.

Another good note today, I was finally oked to head to orientation for Interstate Trucking. So I leave on Sunday afternoon and get into Sea/Tac and the hotel in a few hours. Then off to work on Monday. Hopefully will have my truck by Thursday and off on my first load. It will feel really good to get behind the wheel and get back to work. I will make it work this time. If I find fault, i will relook at what I am complaining about and try to make it work. We need this and it is a blessing from heaven.

Tonight the older kids are coming over because the last time the In-Laws left the kids alone at their house, they had to come back and break up a fight. So we will see what happens here. Making dinner for them and us. Chicken, mashed potatoes with gravy and green beans. Then if I am feeling up to it, play my new game I got a week ago. If I can't game with a group right now, I can get my time in with a board game for D&D. It looks fun so we will see. So this is all for today and yesterday.