Emotionally Depressed and feeling like a failure

I made a promise to my niece that I would be at her wedding this weekend. And I failed. I am not working, I am falling in old habits again. I need to stop. What the hell is wrong with me? I know I have made and broken little promises, like to my wife and kids, but to someone I knew as a little girl and her mom who I consider my sister. I am ashamed, depressed and mad that I could not live up to that promise I made to them. I cannot even forgive myself. I don't expect them too. I want a better life, but at the expense of leaving behind my wife and kids. I was forced too last time. I do not want to go to that extreme again, but it may turn out that way. I want that champagne life on a beer budget. I can't truck because if I do, then my wife suffers having to deal with the kids, school and DCFS by herself. Yeah I'll bring in money, but at what costs? I just do not know what to do anymore. I fear God does not want to even bother with me, since I don't bother Him anymore. I am done with my rantings.