Wish there was an easier answer

Some say I'm a fighter. Some say I just quit. In the immortal words of Bubba Jay(Jeff Dunhams Puppet), AA is for quitters. I guess I just give up way to easily on things that may make a change in my life or in the lives of others. And I give up when I know that pushing my luck is just going to wind me back in a place I don't want to go. I guess your not really following on what I am saying. I guess I was really not taught well enough to be the person I am supposed to be. I lack discipline, I lack courage, I lack a lot of things "normal" people have to make it through life. I live moment to moment. Paycheck to paycheck. I have no real goals in life because I just don't care. I am just taking up space that a billion other souls in the pre-mortal life are just waiting for their chance to come here to earth, have a body and have an earthly experience that will prepare them for the life afterwords. To me, I don't care what happens to me after I die. That's what it all boils down too. Yes I get smidgens of what life could be like, but when I try to go after it, it all goes to hell in a hand basket. I am sick of being the loser. Yeah it would be great if I was the Biggest Loser. From that stand point in the TV series, that would be great. Yeah some of you will tell me, "Your a child of God. And that's all that matters." When you have been hearing that all your life and are sick of hearing it, you just turn a deaf ear. I guess what Nephi in the Book of Mormon describing his brothers; They know not that God which gives them life. And they are past feeling. They had seen miracles, they had seen an angel, yet they still rebelled. And when Lehi told his son about the dream he had about the tree of life, seeing his older sons in the great and spacious building, mocking them and belittling them. I begin to wonder if I am like them. Yes I make fun of some of the things of the church, I talk behind my Bishops back, I say things that are contrary to the teachings of the church. I take and not give. I'll do the work the church asks me to do, but do it with no feeling that I will make a difference in someones life. I wonder if I am really too screwed up to be be saved and if I am even worth saving. I left the church in '99. Maybe I need to leave again and struggle and be in pain and just live until I die. And if there is a God, maybe he might help me find the way back. Because I sure don't know where to go or how to do it. Or if I even care too. I think I am done for tonight.