Almost 2 years? Inconceivable!

I cannot believe it has been almost 2 years since I last blogged. So much has happened and I am sure there is not enough time or space to put it all. To summarize, got my CDL back, went to work for Schneider, last job due to my stupidity, got on with DirecTV customer service, still hate phones. Got on with a bakery in Kaysville, left that for stupidity, then reapplied for some other trucking jobs, and the only one that would hire me is a private one out of N Salt Lake. Ran with them until they didn't care that my DOT card was expired and I could lose my license. Dad died while on the road and that has been tough. Now working for Navajo on their UT/MT dedicated Costco loads. Its not bad, just I don't know. Got into a fight with my wifes oldest last week and was considering going long haul or regional. But my depression and suicidal thoughts are now stopping that.

Nothing makes me happy anymore. Not even church or the gospel. I have a testimony but, I don't know if it is enough to pull me through this darkness I am still in. I know there is no miracle cure pill, that will solve everything in one day. It takes time, and effort and after fighting it for so long, I wonder if it worth it. I even got to the point of wanting to try and cheat on my wife. But it never happened. How can someone as ugly and strange as me, be loved by someone? I don't know anymore. I am just going to seek help and see where it goes from there.